Beautiful Messed Up World

Historic Debate In Florida Senate & My Thoughts N More

2010-03-17T15:15:00.000-07:00

the Florida Legislature is scheduled to debate whether people should be asked about their sexual orientation when applying to adopt. I just got an email from Equality Florida, an advocacy group about the latest in this amazing development. Here is an article by Tobias Packer.

The bill would prevent people from being asked if they own guns. Our amendment would prevent people from being asked about their sexual orientation.

Thanks to Rep Scott Randolph and Sen. Charlie Justice, we succeeded in getting amendments filed in both chambers to an adoption bill that heads to the floor of both the House and Senate right now.

Right this moment, House and Senate leadership is actively trying to silence the discussion, but top allies in both chambers will fight as hard as they can to ensure that does not happen.

Hundreds are in Tallahassee right now talking to their legislators.

Take 30 seconds right now to join them as a virtual lobbyist.
Click here to send an email to your legislators.
Pro-equality legislators are fired up and ready to make the case that the adoption ban tears families apart prevents children from being adopted.

More than one hundred Floridians are in Tallahassee right now having face-to-face conversations with their state legislators. Today more legislators than ever are signing on to sponsor pro-equality bills, but more are still needed to pass critical legislation.

To watch the video of this histroic debate, click here.

My Thoughts:

Well for one, I a relieved that the senate will finally talk about this ridiclous ban on gay parents adopting. There are so many kids in the system that need loving families and to say that someone cannot adopt them is just plain bullshit. I hear all of these right wing weirdo's talking about family values and what it "truely" means.

Let me get one thing straight here. A family can be anyone, wheather it is a straight union or a gay one, a family is a family. We are human beings ladies and gents. To strip away our humanity and nit pick what we consider to be good and wrong without fully looking at the picture is a mistake on their fault. For a family is not something you can define by how you see it. But by the love a family can create visually and together. Whether it is a man or a woman, or same sex.

Honestly I dont quite understand some of these homophobic people out there that lash out against other gay people. Saying god hates fags and all that bull that I know, only can come from hatred and not god. Because from what I have learned, growing up with god in my heart, I feel that there is nothing wrong with being gay.

What people tend to forget is that god loves his children, all of his children. The priests and the pope up in their rich castles that plain as day say that all gays when burn in hell. I say to you, what gives you the right to speak for god. We have no right to speak for him or pass judgement on the world. It is for god to decide when our souls return to heaven what our judgement will be. Ashamed you should be to twist the lords preaching for such evil.

It just really pisses me off when I hear the church condemning people or people of the church following in such unchristian ways. The devil as infiltrated people into hating others. For hate only brings in the devil. And once the devil is in, you let evil into your lives.

I have spent my life, opening up my mind to the world. I am very introverted, my mind wondering always. I believe myself to truely be gods worrier. See it as you like, call me crazy if you will. It also helps when you are abit intuitive.

I honestly believe this world will always be in conflict. Human nature I believe is what they call it. Its a shame because my vision for the future revolves around peace and harmony of everyone on the planet. A world where we perserve and restore the natural beauty of our planet. To build a safe world and future for our children and their childrens children. Where there will be no seperation of orientation or sex. We are all human and we should treat each other as such. But most likely, tha wont happen because of human nature. Because conflict is a natural enemy that all of us are born with.

This debate is a step forward into a possible future I have only dreamed of seeing and hope to one day belong in. For that is a future I would want for my children, and all.

Speaking my mind

2010-03-16T04:58:00.000-07:00

Yes it is 430 in the morning and I am awake. My sleeping schedule is alot differnt these days. I want to start this post first by pointing out something a fellow blogger friend of mine and someone I consider my brother pointed out to me today. Now I can understand if some of the things I say may come around as either rude or just not appropriate but I say whats on my mind, with no negative intentions.

Now I never consider anything I say to be rude or inappropriate because I tend to speak my mind with positivity. Basically, I said something about this up and coming singer who my friend was promoting and he kind of took it the wrong way. Now when it comes to my opinion, I tend to stick to it,especially when I feel right about something.

The singer my friend was promoting is actually a gay american singer and hes a guy, and hes cute. Now the only thing I care about when it comes to music is the quality of the music. Some people may like this guys style of music, others may not. I myself like the type of music he plays but one thing strikes a cord with me. Even though he is cute, and gay... but his vocals are abit mediocre.

I actually like to point things out like this because I feel that constructive criticism is key to becoming a better singer. The guy just needs some vocal training and I bet he will get further in his career. Maybe that's the way his voice is, I don't know for sure since I don't know the guy. But like I said, you can have all the talent in the world but if your vocals are just not up to par with your performance, its going to show. I just feel I should be the person to tell the guy that even though his music is great, it would be awesome if he did some vocal training to help strengthen his vocal ability.

Now I can and cant speak for myself. I can speak for myself because I have been singing for FOREVER and have had people tell me great things about my voice. But I am not here to boast, I am just stating what I myself have been through. And I can't really speak for myself because the singer is getting paid to do gigs and has a whole tour thing going. And I don't have any way of doing what he does because I don't play the guitar or any instrument so it sucks. So maybe its just me but, my opinion is my opinion and I see no fault in it. Especially when I never ever put someone down or be rude to someone. Its just not me.

You can be gay, straight, lez, trans, I honestly don't care what sex or race you are. If I find an artist has talent, I will be very positive about them. Because if I ever sounded like shit, I would love for someone to call me out on it and be honest because if your not honest then that person will never becoming a better singer. Because in the long run, it can greatly help the singer and may even make them a better performer. Like I said, I would want someone to do the same for me if I were in his position.

I got in touch with my buddy and explained it to him. I hope I didn't shock him by how forward I am with how I talk. But as long as he understands me, all things are groovy. Anyway, I am going to see if I can go to sleep here soon. Its almost 5 in the morning and I am WIRED. I may write a chapter or two before I head to bed but its all in the air. *gets off soapbox*

Later bloggers

I Read, I Write, I Review

2010-03-14T22:07:00.000-07:00

Found myself today logging into my blog account. Honestly, I have been so damn busy with whats been going on here that I just havent had the time to write about it all. Buts thats not all true. I have just been having a really crappy month and I have been rather anti-social lately. I wont go into anything further because some things I just dont want to talk about on here.

But all in all I am doing well. I just finished a rather interesting book called, The Circle of Three: So Mote It Be by Isobel Bird. Further research of this author has also stunned me because, the authors name is not Isobel Bird (a females name by the way) but the author of the book is none other then Michael Thomas Ford, a gay american author. This is shocking because I honestly though that Isobel Bird was a woman author but, I was so wrong. It confuses me that a man would use a womans name and no their own when publishing these books. Since the author is utterly male, was he trying to bridge that boundary since he is a man writing a story about young teen girls in high school? I honestly don't know much about him since I am only familiar with his work in the Circle of Three series of books. But seeing that he is a gay American author, I may just see what else he has written. All in all, this is a shocker for me because I thought the author was a woman but oh well.

Normally I don't like to delve into teen fiction but I have an interest in reading into fictional stories related to the paranormal, supernatural, and occult. The book itself, I believe, is more suited for teens in high school since the setting of the story is around three girls who are in high school and have begun to delve into witchcraft. I like how the story presents itself and the ease of the reading. It amazes how the authors who take the time to write these books can make such a simple, yet fun story. Its one of the things that push me to write like crazy because, I love creating stories and putting them on paper. Call it a passion for writing but writing for me comes naturally. Hell, my mother once did some editing work and she loved it so its obvious that I get my passion for writing from her.

Another series I have been reading is the House of Night Series by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast. First time I picked up the first book in the series, which is called Marked, I was hesitant. Because the first chapter in the book just didn't really hit me and I put down the book faster than anything because it bored me on sight. But of course I told myself to just give the book a chance and that is what I did.

I am glad I gave the book a chance because I am already on the 6th book in the series (Tempted) and I am hooked! I honestly thought this book was going to be campy so boring I may want to send it back. Thank god the lead character of the book is someone I can understand and like. If the authors would have chosen someone else, most likely the book would have not appealed to me. But instead, they created a cast of characters that are not only fun to read but sort of drag you into their little world. Awesome job for a mother and daughter working together on a book. I hope sometime in the future I can do something like that with my own mother.

I love reading books and I would not pass up the chance to read a possible good read. Besides me reading though I have been writing a storm. Right now, I have the makings of a possible book series I have in mind. Where the story will lead me is all up in the air since I am still writing it but the way it is coming out, I am thoroughly enjoying what I am creating. The other book I was writing I put on hold because I felt the story was becoming rather boring. Honestly I am thinking about ditching the book in its entirety but thats up in the air. For right now I am leaving the other book alone until I get the urge to go through the 200+ pages of written material. Once I sort through everything and edit what needs to be done and I am satisfied with what I have created, I will most likely start looking to publish. But not until I am 100 percent positive I am happy about what I have written, I refuse to submit anything in. Call me a perfectionist but if it doesn't feel right to me, then I stick to my gut instincts.

I know its ridiculous to just go into another project but if you honestly understand how my thought process goes, you'd get why. I have so many stories and characters flowing out of my head that one story turns into another with more characters. I will just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best that any of my writings pan out. Plus, I will just have to tell all the other characters and their storys to wait in line because I am only one person here lol.

Ok that is it for now. I am going to go make friends with my bed and sleep the night away. The next book on my conquest will be the new book out by my favorite author, Laurell K Hamilton's Flirt. Anita blake is the shit. I hope everyone is doing well and I hope everyone is safe and warm during this rather cold spring season.

Later bloggers ^_^

A Birthday With A Twist

2010-02-25T20:23:00.001-08:00

Ok so today was my mothers birthday and by god she wanted to party. I have never seen her this way ever in my life but like she said it, you only turn 55 once. Now I have seen my mother tipsy before but never plastered. It was quite entertaining and quite scary since she is one of those happy drunks that are way too moody. One second she is crying and the next she is laughing and saying I love you.

I can't help but laugh even though I am asking the lord for forgiveness because its not really funny. Although she usually only gets tipsy on special occasions like a holiday or her birthday so I can understand her wanted to relax and just enjoy her birthday. Thank god she was drinking wine because if it were anything else I would have been abit more worried (health wise).

Anyway the evening ended with me carrying her to her room because she was dizzy and disoriented. So of course I carry her and I understand what she is going through at this time. Hell I have been through it and most of us out there have.

She then throws up in the toilet (thank god not on me or my dad) and then comes the eternal struggle to get her to go to bed. Oh and we also found out she tinkled on herself, yeah that was abit icky but I am just glad she finally could have a release since she works so damn hard and barely goes out. A hard working woman deserves to be tipsy once in a blue moon.

So that ended my night with me feeling like I should take a shower, which I probably will. And my night turned into an entertaining event. Scary but entertaining because of how I see it. Im crossing my fingers that she doesn't have a hang over tomorrow. I have never had one myself (yes im lucky) but I can handle my alcohol better then most people (my little secret lol).

Anyway I am going to go jump into the shower and scrub the invisible ickyness I am feeling right now. Thanks for people finally commenting, me luvs you ^_^.

Have a nice weekend beautiful people and remember, dont drink and drive.

Im still alive...

2010-02-20T09:44:00.001-08:00

Look I am posting, see I am alive ^_^. Well I have been very very busy writing up a storm and I have a little pet project that is going on right now. I am not going to reveal what I am doing but I must say, it is turning out to be very interesting. The writng is flowing wonderfully as my muse is speaking to me today. Thank god. Its been awhile since I have written anything on this old blog of mine so I might as well do a little update.

Things arent 100 percent here on the home front. I have been sick as of late and I had to leave my position at the library to recover. I am literally taking 3 pills a day and a sleeping pill for when I can't fall asleep. I have my own little episodes because I have been sick since I was about 12 years old. Growing up was especially hard on myself. It effects me differntly. I guess thats what makes me a good writer because I can tap into my emotions and express them so freely.

I believe I get my writing passion from my mother, who is an excellant under-appreciated English teacher. Plus I have a great appreciate for books because I love to read. I don't really watch alot of tv because I normally love to read atleast 3 books a week. Its my down time. When your sick you become a loner a tad bit. It sucks but I have to get better.

I know I shouldn't be talking about my life on here but oh well. I have a right to say whats on my mind and if no one likes what I have to say then that is their business, not mine. I respect peoples opinions as long as they get it across in a positive manner.

Anyway I am going to go check my mail and start to do some house work since its all I can really do right now. I have a doctors appointment Tuesday so I hope that meeting goes well. I hate it when I have to see so many different doctors. I feel like I am being passed around like a piece of meat and I just don't like it.

Later ^_^

Its almost febuary...

2010-01-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

And I havent written a post, until now!

Hey blogger! God it has seemed like I have taken a break from writing all together. Which for me is abit of a relief but I need to get back into it. So... what have I been doing these past couple of weeks? Well, alot of the norm.

Since school is back in session I have been attending classes religiously. Work is what it usually is, work. The situation at home is fairing well and I am doing alright.

My dating life has been pretty busy lately. I have been talking to a couple of guys on the internet and have found a couple of interests. I have even found some local boys to talk to which is awesome. I don't really care about age but it is usually really rare for me to find someone close to my age that I am attracted to. It just doesnt really happen because alot of guys my age are very immature and are more about getting laid then talking and getting to know someone. I blame the marketing.

Anyway I am going to go hop in the shower and wash the day off me. I am so tired today that all I want to do is crawl under the covers and go to sleep. Its strange that I have been so tired lately. Maybe its my meds or whatever. I will have to talk to my doc next time I see them.

I hope everyone is doing well and I hope your lives are less routine then mine cuz my life is very boring at the moment lol. I am going to go relax alittle and enjoy the rest of evening. You all be safe and godbless. If you read this and don't comment, I know who you are... ^_^

Later bloggers

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T15:32:00.000-08:00

Wow I am really not feeling 100 percent today. Not good at all. Happy New Year everyone. :)

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

Tomarrow is christmas day woot woot! I am super busy today so I can't really write as much as I should but I just wanted to wish everyone an awesome christmas and I hope everyone out there is safe and warm. Especially those who live up north because I heard you guys got about 30 inches of snow in some states. THATS ALOT OF SNOW!

Alright I am going to go head out to go pick up some groceries for tomarrows dinner. Later people!

The Three Year Itch

2009-12-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

God I feel like I have been flirting up a storm this week just trying to get some guy attention. Funny thing is, nothing is biting. It makes me wonder what in the hell are these guys thinking not wanting a catch like myself. I am not cocky or anything I just know I could be an awesome boyfriend if some man would just give me the time or day. I have not been, kissed, or even touched a guy in about 3 years and it is ticking me off. Its my own lil version of a 3 year itch.

I am 22! I should be going out on dates and finding Mr.Right but it is so not happening. Plus, when you have a conversation with a guy and he doesn't even take the initiative to let you know hes interested, it all seems abit daunting. I mean serious men, boys, dudes... if you are not interested in someone LET THEM KNOW! And calling someone cute or handsome and then not even bothering talking afterward is messed up. I don't like head games and I am so over men thinking they can play with my head. FYI to all you men out there who think you can have me around your finger, not going to happen.

So guys if you like a guy, let them fucking know it! Don't beat around the bush and be coy. Make yourself happy in life and fall in love. There is nothing wrong with letting someone in and falling in love. Breakups happen, its all apart of growing up. Its what you do after the breakups that really define you as a person.

I am going to keep on looking for my Mr.Right because I know hes out there. Because I am so not into having a Mr Right now. And if the boys can't see what a fine catch I am then it is there loss. I think I am sexy and beautiful on the inside and out. And that, I believe, is how every man and woman should think. Because no matter what anyone says, I am beautiful. And I will find that guy who will pay attention to what is standing right before him. A guy who will finally open his eyes and see that there is so much he is missing out on. Until then, celibacy is more a reality then fiction.

Ive decided...

2009-12-13T17:37:00.000-08:00

Writing is about the easiest thing I do. SO I decided to join a group of writers who write about the gaming industry. Video games are just one of my favorite things, among many others. I just love to write period, about my life and what I think about the world. This blog that I have up is here for its own purpose. To speak my mind and say what needs to be said. Whether you like it or not, I get my point across.

Im sitting in my mom's new office. It was originally my brother's bedroom and now it has been turned into an office. He left to go live with his best friend and his girlfriend. Its an interesting pair. I would like to see how things pan out. You can call me an observer. :)

In any case I have found a new area where I can concentrate on my work and be in a relaxing environment. Hopefully this will give me grounds to keep writing more. One can only hope that something like this lands me a job but I think I would need to promote my blog. Promoting my blog is something I just don't know how to do. I need to find a way to make cash but it sucks because I am sick.

My doctor says I will not be able to go to college unless I am doing better. Its scary when your doctor tells you that. I just feel after all this time I have been inside of this shell, wanting to break free. Like seeing through a mirror. Thats what depression feels like, for me that is.

But you know what, theres nothing wrong with a bit of depression. It shows us that through all of that tough exterior, we are still as human as the next person. I hope to one day show the world that we should get rid of racisim completely and just love each other because we are human. Human love, I think I am down with that. Just as long as its with men because sorry ladies, I love ya but no thank you mam. ^_^

Later Peepers

Gaga On The Mind

2009-12-13T09:55:00.000-08:00

Again with the writing why don't ya lol. Okay this morning I have been writing like crazy. I think its my mind finally opening up abit to some well deserve typeage. Plus it could be I am also listening to Lady Gaga's new album Fame Monster. This girl can throw out some really awesome beats. I gotta give it to her. Plus she has been in the underground music scene since before she was 18. This girl has an awesome future ahead of her.

If you guys have not seen her music video "Bad Romance", I saw the documentary on why she did the video the way she did. You guys should definitely check her stuff out because your going to be hearing alot from the amazing, Lady Gaga. I hope to one day be as good as she is cuz the girl has it down pack.

Ok I am going to go write some more. Happy sunday to everyone out there. If your going to church and its cold outside, wear some WARM CLOTHES! I live in FL and it is abit chilly outside. But I bet in some places its probably snowing. Ok I am going to go now lol.

My muse has bit

2009-12-10T18:03:00.000-08:00

Yay! i am in a writing mood today.I recently did a couple of things I thought I would never do. I started a 2nd blog that is actually on a gaming website. I also have another blog where I have the same info but also stuff related to the entertainment industry. I like it when my muse visits hehe.

No, nothing sexual like that ryan so you can stop right there lol. But lets just say I have spent alot of time this summer taking time on "ME". I really needed to reflect because my life has always been one crappy moment after another. I wish I could have known more about what I have. My dad blames my mom. I blame no one.

Its a gift to feel like me. I guess you can say I am passionate as I write, whatever :). But all in all I just feel free to write whatever the fuck I want to write because it is my god given right as a Latino American Born N Bred, Bodiqua.

Yes I am very proud of my people and our culture, it runs in the blood I guess. Anyway, I want everyone to know I am getting slowly better and on my feet thanks to a lil R&R. And there is nothing wrong with a lil R&R...give or take 11 years. I know what I have is an illness but I refuse to let myself kick my ass into the ground. I know better then that.
People just don't know.

Wow that was deep... I better move onto something else.

I would like to point out one thing to the people that actually read this. My friends and the millions of anonymous bloggers that do look at my blog. Oh, just because I don't have a counter on my blog doesn't mean that I know's watching my blog lol. And thank you to those who do. :)

Whats funny about this is that I dont really have alot of people on here. Don't get me wrong but I do have enough friends to talk to. Its just their lives are so busy while mine is rather, not busy at all.

Happy holidays ^_^

If these walls could talk.

2009-12-08T03:44:00.000-08:00

Strange that I am writing this and it is Tuesday. Sorry for the late update but I want to really get something off my chest I believe needs to be cleared off my chest. Today I am going to talk about this little fucked up thing called Depression. I must warn you that these are my opinions so if you dont like what I am about to say then kiss my ass.

I have suffered with depression ever since I was 12 years old. No I am not a manic depressive, bi polar, or any of those other forms of depression. Basically most of the time I am in a down mood with the occasional mood swings and insomnia. Oh and a twist of anxiety to back that up. Its strange that I have had all of this since I came into puberty and still have it even today.

Now people these days when they think depression they think the person is a psycho and they should have nothing to do with them. Which in term makes the person feel like a psycho which leads them to cutting themselves from society and a normal life. Or as normal as life can get because I am sorry to say this people, normality just doesn't exist.

Now the reason why I am being open n honest about this is because I feel that since I am now going on 22 and I am still suffering this this fucked up thing that I should voice my opinion. Depression people is an illness and should definitely be considered a disability of some kind. Kind of like how studdering is also considered a disability which I personally is not at all true.

Trying to cope with my mood swings (none of them are negative thank god) and down times (as I call my episodes) is a bitch. Recently I have not been able to be on my meds for like 2 weeks because I have not had the money to go to walmart and buy my meds. When you are relatively broke, jobless, and striving to live your life day by day, you can understand my obstacles I have to face everyday.

Its really fucking sucks that something that this had to happen to me. I believe if I didn't have what I have that I would have done more with my life. I should have push myself harder in life but when you are young, you don't really think of such things. My family on the other hand treats my illness as if I should pop a pill and everything will get better in time. I feel they have been treating me this way for years.

Being without medication for 2 weeks by the way is hell on anyone who suffers with depression. To put it simply, I wake up some mornings just wanting to just stay n bed and leave my room let alone my house. And I hate this feeling so much because I believe I have soo much talent and potential inside of me that I feel that my life feels like nothing but many roadblocks getting in my way. I want to do so much with my life and I know I can do it. But when your struggling just to participate day to day in the world, life can be a bitch.

Another thing that has been lingering over my head is telling a possible significant other about what I have. I feel if I tell anyone about my problems they will shun me aside or think im some psycho. I had one guy tell me once he didn't date "crazy" people. That just made me feel all warm and cozy inside knowing that what I have is concidered by some people to be crazy. Whatever it may be I atleast know what I have and I am not ashamed to talk about it. I just hope I can open up to the next guy who comes into my life and I fall in love with. Because the weight of my secret is always on the back of my mind.

It amazes me that I have pushed myself so hard to go out and find a job that it has led to nothing but endless interviews (mcdonalds doesnt even want me, how fucked up is that!). My only last option has to be college, or so my parents keep on telling me. I want to go to college so bad because I believe it will be a great stepping stone to what I want to do in my future. Plus, college can provide me with an outlet that I so desperately need.

You can say I have an old soul or tortured soul like most singers, writers, and such who can make words into poetry and move the world. My writing has been struggling also recently because I feel what I have been working on for years has lead me to just hating everything about it. My novel that I want to finish already is no where near complete, atleast to me. It sucks when you fall in love with something and then your love for what your writing dissapears and you have to keep moving forward because you have written soo much already. You can say I have lost my passion for my novel. Maybe I should just kick myself in the ass and do a rewrite but it is alot harder then you think.

I am not a professional writer what so ever. I know how to write a story from what I have learned in school but the work I have done so far leads me to think if I am really good at all. Ive showed my work to a couple of people and have had good reviews. Maybe its my confidence in myself that is lacking. I dont really know. All I know is that when I write I can dissappear from the real world and go into another for a short while.

I may be the way I am but atleast I accept who I am and love myself regardless. Im cuddly as a bear with a heart of gold and lots of wisdom to share. Im a lover and a fighter regardless of how people see me. Never casting judgment on others and spreading peace wherever I go. Its amazing someone has peaceful and kind as myself can go through this.

Suffering with what I have is a bitch. But life always has a twist. I hope everyone enjoyed your weekend. I am going to go crash right now and hope tomarrow I feel lots better then this morning. God, I felt like a zombie. Later bloggers ^_^

My Not So Fabulous Thanksgiving

2009-11-29T01:30:00.000-08:00

Yep. My thanksgiving this year was a bust, big time. I'll get into that later once I start by saying happy late thanksgiving for everyone else out there who actually know I exist... so sad I know. Oh well, all good things come in time they say.

So I cooked up a storm this Thanksgiving. I started about 5 in the morning with my dad getting the turkey ready and omg... The turkey came out freakin amazing! YUM! After making and baking, when it was time to eat everything I was not in the mood for eating. Odd. But its not that odd because my dad gets the same way sometimes. So I had a small plate this thanksgiving. I am happy to say that I thoroughly enjoyed myself, for the most part.

Ok so onto the real story behind my not so fabulous Thanksgiving. Without giving out too much details because some of the things that happen I don't entirely tell people because some things just need to say within the family. Suffice to say, he said and did something very childish to me and very below the belt. He has always known how to push my buttons, hes just built to be an asshole. Lord forgive me for trying to cope but sometimes I just need to speak my mind.
Silent prayers keep the demons away.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I have to remind myself to go talk to the people in administration about signing up for this class that I like. No ladies n gentlemen I have not received my degree as of yet. Its a shame, I know it. It pisses me off all the same but I am just trying my hardest. Jeez, ive been studying almost every day for atleast three hours. Lets hope all things pan out well.

Financially things with me are just not good. I have not been able to find a job in literally 4 freakin years. Ive been sick since I was about 12. I feel like im fighting to stay above water but its hard. When you have an illness that turns out to be an all out battle for your life,its going to be a long way to happy. And I am not dead yet.

Thanks you to those people who do visit my blog and show a comment or two. A nice comment is always welcome. I'm just friendly. Alright, you all stay safe and stay warm!

Live Life N Love Strong

Jinkies, its Saturday!

2009-11-21T02:58:00.000-08:00

Im just going to get right to it. Yes this is going to be a rant ladies and gentlemen. Its about 3 in the morning here and my insomnia has decided to pay me a visit. Not fun at all.

So I was watching the new earlier today and this one story caught my eye and I decided I would discuss it on my blog. Because, I can bitch and rant on here without taking it out physically. I think of writing as a form of healing for me. It helps and I love with. And there's nothing wrong with loving something.

Like how I really would love to be a singer. You have no idea! Its just hard for me to find anyone to jam with so I can add music onto a myspace site and try to advertise it. I know a thing or to about doing things. I just don't have the resources to do so. Being poor is not really fun.

Ive been having trouble lately with my health. My mood has been very very up and down. Some mornings I will wake up and not want to get out of bed. I'm just having my yearly breakdown I guess lol. But I am getting better so that's awesome. I'm getting back on my feet and talking more to people. Being anti-social can hurt a person's life. I should know.

Anyway. Ive been listening lately to Kelly Clarkson's new album, "All I Ever Wanted." I must say the albums is very awesome. Go out and buy the album ladies n gents because its really good. I did and I am relatively poor lol. I support the girl because I understand her and her music. She definitely has one of the most beautiful voices in the world. Ive loved all of her albums and everything she sings because she is just so much more than amazing

Now I just have to check up on Ms.Underwood. Yes, Carrie Underwood. I heard she came out with a new album. Listened to an album off of it and it sounded really cool. I don't normally listen to country music but she sure tickles my musical interest. What can I say, I love music.

My parents were both very much into music. My dad was in a band when he was younger. My mother was a singer at a college who actually was so good that she was asked to go on the road and do a tour of her singing songs. My mother had a big opportunity to make it to the big times but she passed it down because of my father. She wanted to settle down and have kids, normal life.
I wish they could have both pursued their dreams and still have a family.
But what can you undo whats already done?

Ok so on to the news story. It seems that the mayor of Jacksonville, Mayor Payton, is actually in a power struggle with the city. It seems that he wants to change some sort of city law. Basically, the mayor wants to change a law that would transfer power to the mayor and future mayors once elected. Changing this law, voters voting for who gets to be Commissioner and head of the school board of Duval County will not be able to vote who takes those positions. Because the mayor and future mayors will be the only ones who will have this right.

I think this is utter bullshit. The people of Jacksonville have a right to choose who we want in charge of the police department and head of the duval county school board. All the mayor wants is more power under his belt and I sickens me to see someone I didn't get a chance to vote for.

Most people don't know this but he owns a chain of gas stations in Jacksonville called "Gate". The guy is from money, he is not like the middle class people who have struggled to pay our bills and have food on the table. You have no idea how hard it is to be poor until your there. God challenges us all one way or another. Its the outcome that matters the most. And I refuse to be defeated by this world.

later peeps!

OK I've Got A Dirty Mouth, so what?

2009-11-11T22:27:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone and happy birthday to me!

Yep... I am officially 22 today. *giant sigh* Yep... it sucks that it has been 3 years and I am still alone, now jobless (because of my health), and very much out of luck right now. Being poor is really really messed up. I barely scrape by with some surveys I do and a mystery shop here n again. I'm tired of always telling myself to shut up about what I think. Always telling me that I can't speak my mind. Well suck on this.

Please excuse me if I sound pissed off but I am really not. I'm probably the nicest person you will ever meet. Kindness is my nature. But when you piss me off you piss me off. Its just how I see this beautiful messed up world.

Now onto something that really made my skin boil. Check this out.....

So, now for what I think about this.

ARE YOU SERIOUS! Who the fuck hits a priest idiot! One thing you have to know about this guy is that he looks soo OMFG gorgeous. Not my words but my friend ryan. Ok... gorgous is my word. lol. What?!

Anyway, I can't believe this beautiful man has done something not good. Please someone arrest this guy n throw him in jail. Hmm, thats also a problem isn't it. With jail's at their maximum campacity, things are not good. Especially in Hollywood, California where some celebritys who do really bad crimes get away with it because the prisons are at their maximum. Sucks, right? Well thats justice for ya.

Atleast give the guy community service. Id be happy to watch him shirtless while he picks up garbage. ^_^

Trash Day!

2009-11-09T21:47:00.001-08:00

Yup yup. Today is trash day. That means ive got to take all the plastics, garbage out all on my own. Yay... -_- My brother and his girlfriend got a place together today. El diablo is moving out. And yes ladies n gentlefolk, that is something to celebrate. Peace n quiet at last.

My cold is almost gone. ^-^! Which means that most likely I won't be sick on my birthday. Thank god! With my brother moved out and myself all alone in this house with my parents it seems like life is going to go back to the way it was. Me and these four walls with my parents. Jinkies... O_O

Well thats it for now. Nothing new to add. OH, if you guys have not checked out the One Love blog I post on you should go check it out. The blog now features the internet hottie of the month. Every month another internet hottie will appear. Chosen by muwah of course. I hope everyones week is going well. Right now I am just going to go into my room and listen to some music. Today I am going to go call my school and see if I can get some classes scheduled. I need to start working on my math skills big time for a test I am about to take.

Not having a paid job doesn't help. 3 years of searching and still nothing.
Ill just have to keep on searching n praying for something. And my health is not being to kind to me these days. I may have to talk to my doctor about getting on some kind of treatment thingie to help with my anxiety. Because the pills I am taking now are just not working.

Ok enough of me rambling. I am going to get the hell off this computer so I can try to wake up tomarrow and hope I feel alot better then I feel right now.

Happy Tuesday everyone

Monday Jitters

2009-11-09T01:41:00.001-08:00

my birthday is this thursday... EEK! O_O I am soo not ready for it. Lets hope my lil cold I caught over the weekend goes away before my bday. Cuz that would suck being sick on your birthday. Its so wrong it should be illegal. But today I am feeling alot better so I am crossing my fingers and silently praying that I am getting better. I pray alot ^_^

Oh and I wanted to give a shout out to Ryan and his beautiful partner, Kadin. If anyone reads my blog anymore... please pray that Ryan successfully recovers from his surgery. You guys are in my prayers ^_^

Happy Monday Everyone!

Insomnia Is A Bitch

2009-10-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

Literally...

Hello bloggers,

Wow, it feels as if I haven't posted anything about my life in AGES! Sry! ^_^. Ive been having a really bad week of not feeling well. NO, I do not have swine flu or anything like that. My pills are just fuckin with me right now to the point where I am still awake when I have been awake since 8AM yesterday morning. Fun huh? Well ladies and gentleman, this is the problem that plagues my life.

Ive had this problem since I was about 13 years old. My Insomnia and anxiety have been a struggle most of my teen to young adult life. The reason why I am openly talking about my so called "issues" is because I am tired of being so closed lipped about it. I have been embarrassed for a long time about what I have... or so I told myself.

I have no idea how I got it into my head that talking about who I am as a person should be hush hush. Maybe its because my parents always telling me to be low key and don't cause attention. Feeling isolated inside a home where they only love half of you isn't a home at all but feels alot like purgatory. Like I am stuck in the middle.

But in anycase I want to say I am no longer ashamed of what I have. If you don't like what I have to say you can kiss my white ass. Yes I said white because the sun hasn't seen my ass in AGES!!! lol. Im not a big fan of the sun because of its damaging rays n anti-aging properties. I wanna to make sure my skin gets the best care I can give it. Its called taking care of yourself.

I hate it when people try to pegg me under a stereotype because its nearly impossible. Im a very unique individual with enough brains and insight in life that I am literally smart. Or so people tell me when I apply myself.

I seriously hate sitting here in bed staring at a computer screen that was given to me. Just like this dinky old computer that acts like its slowly dieing of old age or something. I have this other computer (my mothers old DEAD computer) that I need to get fixed (40 buck fix or so...). As always, I feel like the child whom no one really pays attention to. I feel shunned to the side like I am just a prop in someones life.

As you can tell or not.... I am actually ranting because I had to remind myself that all the bullshit I see and here needs to be released one way or another. Keeping it in is not good for the soul. So, I do what I do best and write down what I feel.
Easy as pie.

Have a nice Friday everyone! Mine will be full of boring innuendos.

By the way... isn't the guy in that picture cute! I like guys, bite me.

Poem: Broken Melody

2009-10-24T02:50:00.000-07:00

Hey bloggers,

Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate it! I wrote this poem literally about a minute ago (2:40 AM) and I am impressed with how I expressed something that I have been dying to write about. This poem is something that hits home with me and I am happy that I could take the time to open up about it through poem. I hope you all enjoy it and I hope your week has been fun. Have a fun weekend and stay safe.

Broken Melody
By: ÅŽG€£ ©.

There are times
I open my eyes
And see the truth for what it is
This lie
This ball of confusion
Has left me unchained
Like a lullaby
I sing to myself
Soothing the pain you've caused
This emptiness where you use to be
Has left me unchained
Like a broken melody
Shattered on the floor
I pick up the pieces
And put them back together
Cracks n all
The memory is still there
And I still don't believe you
For these shattered pieces
Still hold its place
Within my soul
Forever
For you will never know
The pain
The confusion
The tears you've caused
These words will never be heard out loud
But forever these words will be
For these shattered pieces
Still hold the pain
That you will never know
Just another broken melody
In this beautiful messed up world

Happy October Everyone!

2009-10-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

Wow,

Its finally October and I didn't even know it. Time always passes you by when you are not looking. Well I am trying to stay in a cheery mood today. One of my close friends ryan from boys are ugly but so cute . If you don't know him yet check him out. Hes one hulluva human being if I say so myself.

Ryan reminded me of a special holiday this month of October and that is Halloween. I LOVE HALLOWEEN! Its one of the most exciting holidays of the year. A time were we can be who we want to be and eat candy. Personally I hate candy but I must say, I do love chocolate. The only time I will really indulge on candy is on Halloween because I call that the yearly sugar boost lol.

I know candy is really bad for people but sometimes you can indulge alittle, even if its once a year right? I hope to have fun this Halloween. This will be my last year "hopefully" in Jacksonville. Yes folks. This young man is moving to Tampa FL! Woot Woot <- so corny I know lol

I never really knew where my life was leading me until I really took the time this summer to reflect on myself. I am happy to have spent the time researching what I want as a degree and not rushing my decision. I am proud of myself for wanting to go out more and meet new people. Because I want to be absolutely sure about my future. I'm goal oriented, bite me.

Love N Peace,
ÅŽG€£ ©.

Eternity (Old Poem)

2009-10-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

I figured I would share an old peom of mine that I pulled up from out of no where. I hope you enjoy it, give your comments. I love to always hear feedback. Please support my site if you can't. Poems are a beauty art-form that should be expressed more often.

Thank you.

I'm Not Going Anywhere
Written:
April 14, 2008 12:46 A.M
By: ÅŽG€£ ©.

I'm trying to unravel
This feeling within me
Confused and distraught
Without an understanding of peace
Not knowing which step is which
Floating into the dismal place
I call eternity

Feeling not so sober
Not so much for awhile
Its not the alcohol
Its not the bubbly
Its this feeling inside
That cringes with unwillingness
With the inner bliss I use to know
Sobering in its risk

I don't know where I will land
If I fall or crawl is up to me
But I'm awake
I'm alive
I feel once more
I'm here
And by god
Eternity is just the beginning.

Check out Jennifer's Body, the movie. Its an awesome movie, check it out!.

I Didn't Know My Own Strength

2009-09-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

I was online early this morning (its like 1 am here hehe) and noticed that Whitney is coming out with a new album. I went to rhapsody to check out the new album and I must say I am happy that this woman who has been through so much is finally getting her life in order, way to go! There is one song that she has on her album and it is called "I didn't know my own strength". Its a slow song and I could care less about how it is sung but it is the lyrics that caught me off guard.

Diane Warren wrote the song and I must give her props. The song is very inspirational because of how real the words truly are. Listening to the song I could remember the times where I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and how every time the world kicked me down I would always get back up stronger and wiser. I am happy to know that after all the beautiful messed up shit ive been through, I have come out one hulluva person.

You truely don't know your own strength until life comes knocking at your door.

I know I got alittle off topic but I am going to post the lyrics because I got inspired to share it with you all. I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend and I hope you all have a safe and happy Monday. Drive safe getting to work or taking the kids to school!

Love n Peace,
Angel ^_^

(click the link below to view more)
Whitney Houston - I Didn’t Know My Own Strength

Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

The Stony Morrow

2009-09-14T01:35:00.000-07:00

Ive found my way
Or so I say
The whispers hide the way
Do I follow
The stony morrow
For time sits idle
Of Play

I follow the way
Yet cloudy its sway
My mind
A wisp
A fray
For truth be known
A lovers groan
I shall forever
Be dismayed

But the path is clear
And I am here
The shadows are away
From here and now
And now to here
The morrow
Has found its way

Let me know what you guys think about this poem?

Hope

2009-09-09T12:58:00.001-07:00

Sex N College

2009-09-08T20:21:00.001-07:00

For some people, not being sexually active is like hell on Earth. For me... it doesn't really affect me. Maybe its because I am young or whatever but right now my sex life is nil to none. I'm going with the notion that the reason why I don't have a sex life is that I am tired of just being a pleasure machine. If I am going to have sex with someone, it is someone I have grown to know. Sorry ladies and gentleman, but random sex is just not my thing. This may change when I go to college but it is doubtful. Ive always been a one person man. One man at a time kind of guy. If your offended about my openness... well. I can't help you there. Because I have always been open about sex.

Sex to me is a very fascinating subject.

Moving on, I am happy to report that I finally got a comment after weeks of nothing (thank you Mr. Ryan Field). Kind of seems odd that I crave some attention from readers who pass by my blog. Truth is, I just want to be heard. Inevitably though, I believe not a lot of people really view my blog. I guess going on other peoples blogs and commenting could be a way to more people involved in commenting on my blog. Maybe it is what I am writing, I don't know. But I will continue to write freely.

Without censorship.

Been doing lots of research on colleges and have finally came to a decision about where I want to get my education. I am going to apply at USF in Tampa and I am going to apply for NYU in New York. Why NYU... well... why not. The school itself is such a well known school for a liberal arts degree that it would be a good choice. But attending NYU is wishful thinking. And there's nothing wrong with wishing for something.

So more then likely I will be attending USF in Tampa. Im happy about going to Tampa but I would just like alternative college choices. And in FL, there aren't that many choices. Its either USF or FSU for the degree program I want. And I'd rather pick Tampa than Tallahassee. I like being next to the ocean. Its the water lover in me lol.

Ive also been researching USF's clubs and organizations and have found that there is alot of diversity at USF, even an LGBT club which I found really cool. Hopefully college will give me the edge I need to push myself to get great grades and strive for success. English Major with a minor in information technology. Computers and books, these are just two of my favorite things.

Have a good week bloggers and Happy Hump-day tomorrow!

I Refuse

2009-08-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

You try
To abide
But then
You stride
And hide
The truth
With smiles

You do
And say
And follow
Their ways
Just to appease
Their grace

They may be blind
Within the lines
But I know
The truth

Unchained I am
Forever's
The Plan
You could
Have known
The Truth

For I refuse
This abuse
That you hide
Within your plight

You attack
And I'll fight
All Through the night
Forever to keep my flame
Burning Bright

I Refuse
by: David Angel

I dedicate this poem to the people who fight for my rights as a gay latino man, and also as an American. Your courage has given me the strength to accept myself and not be afraid of the world beyond my door. Because we should never be afraid of our government. They should be afraid of its people. I may have been born after stonewall, but with your bravery I can be proud of who I am in this beautiful messed up world. For you are my true heroes.

Gay Politics

2009-08-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

Tired?: Spend atleast 15 mins or take as long as a break you want with your eyes closed, sitting back in your chair, in the dark, and try to keep silent. This will help you rest your eyes. Remember to not fall asleep. And there is alittle relaxation technique for you guys.

Ok now moving onto the subject at hand. Usually I try not to talk about politics but in this case, I will make an exception. I was browsing 365gay.com (you guys should check it out) and one of the articles peaked my interest. The article was done by the associated press.

It seems in California, a same sex couple, files a lawsuit against DOMA. If some of you guys don't know what DOMA is, DOMA means "Defense of Marriage Act". Basically it is a law to ban same sex marriage and their benefits on a federal level. Now I know for a fact that there are atleast 5 states that already passed a bill for gay marriage but on a federal level, they are not giving benefits to couples of same sex marriage.

You know something. This is ridiculous. And I am rather pissed that President Obama is not looking into this. Or atleast bring up the topic and tell the people wtf is going on. It sucks that people who are married legally within their state are not receiving benefits from our government, the people we give our tax dollers to. What is wrong with the way this shit is being handled? I personally think we should all march down to Washington on a national level and protest against this. We need to show those people in the white house, and president obama that we will be heard. We will keep on fighting for our rights as rightful tax payers and citizens of the United States of America.
Click here for the article.

As you can see I do get pissy because I see this whole attack on gay marriage as ridiculous. Its all about change, or religion. I should know. My mother is totally against me being gay. She says im going to hell and that I am not a christian... but she loves me. My mother and my father are basically on the same side. The only difference is that my father doesn't care just as long as I don't bring I don't bring it home. So basically I do what I want just as long as I don't bring it home. It's doable I guess. I figure if I am 35 and they are still this way then I will more likely detach myself away from my parents. Its not about acceptance for me people. Its about respect for me. Because I don't need acceptance when all I need is to accept who I am.

OH! I hope you guys checked out the pictures I took for St. Augustine. I doubt it since no one ever comments anymore on my blog. I haven't entirely dissapeared people, im still here! Anyway I am going to get off now lol. Coffee time!

Later bloggers.

Short Distances

2009-08-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

Monday I went to St. Augustine with my family and my brothers girlfriend. I'd like to point out that I rarely ever go out of town. So going to St.Augustine of all places was a good thing. I explored the area more in depth, then I have ever done before. I saw the first catholic church (The basilica), walked down the Spanish Quarter, and even saw a couple of cute guys. I also got my fortune told by this old fortune telling machine. Oh and we had pizza at this pizzeria which said they had authentic new york pizza... bullshit. The food was very mediocre. Next time I visit, im going to try the other Pizza restaurant across the street to compare. Because I hate it when restaurants say their authentic and they end up making some pretty crappy pizza. I also went to this pretty cool place where they look up your last name and see if your family has a coat of arms (family crest) and they also give you a history to your last name. My last name is actually Italian which was something I have always wanted to know. On my moms side, her families last name is French. Awkward being Latino and not having a Latino sounding name.

I also checked out about 2 art galleries, one of them had Dr. Seuss stuff on exhibit. It was quite remarkable because I have never been inside of an art gallery. The stuff is so expensive! I would never spend so much on art work. But truthfully, if I had the money, id probably reconsider on at least one painting. I'll show you guys the pictures I took of my trip. Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their weekend. Right now I am going to have myself a cold glass of water and try to stay cool. Stay safe and stay cool people.

Click here for pictures.

Oh and by the way, I found out my ancestor is actually Juan Ponce de León. He is the man who found St.Augustine, he discovered Florida, and he was the first Governor of Puerto Rico.
(Castillo de San Marcos St. Augustine, FL)

Angel

New blog address and rants.

2009-08-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

(FYI: I changed the address to my blog. it is now beautifulmessedupworld.blogspot.com)

I was amazed to hear that our president is trying his best to repel the law that came into effect and revert everything back the way it was. I am happy that my tax dollers are finally coming to good use. But I am still feeling uneasy about all of this.

I look toward canada and notice that the country is becoming very gay friendly. Its awesome to see people getting married, and getting the benefits that they deserve. Because we are all citizens and we pay our damn taxes. We deserve the right to be treated the same. As they say in the ten commandments. Treat thy neighbor as you would treat yourself.
Damn spiffy.

Also I am amazed at how Canada has decriminalized marijuana. This is a big step into a possible research study on the medicinal benefits of the drug. Hopefully we can find a cure for a couple of bad illnesses. And possibly save more lives. And help lower our carbon footprint.

I hope the US atleast decriminalizes it. Its ridiculous that one drug that could help so many people gets eradicated by a government that brainwashes us into thinking that smoking pot is bad. Bullshit. If I had it my way, I would criminalize tobacco. I also think you should be fined if you go over the drinking limit. Because alcohol does kill, not marijuana. There is absolutely no evidence that pot or weed of anykind, has killed anyone or caused cancer. This my friends, is a fact.

So... I retook my GED Math Test. HOPEFULLY I PASSED IT THIS TIME! In anycase I feel I did good. Im glad that I even had enough time to go back and recheck my answers. Its always good to check and see if you did things right. I think I may have got a few questions wrong because I did not sleep well. But hopefully, it will land in my favor. Ugh! I just hate waiting... :(

Ive been reading these books called "The Tarot Cafe". Its kind of like a story with pictures, like a comic book. Comics are pretty awesome. I havent told anyone this but I am going to say it now. I am abit of a psychic. I have had a gift since I was very young. Im not being weird but ya know, it is what it is. I also do tarot readings. So I am going to do this new thing that I will call the tarot for the week.

Three Of Wands:

Find time for yourself this week. Take an hour out of your day and just relax as much as possible. Stress is the enemy here. Have complete silence or play soft music. Doing this can bring you virtue, confidence, and clarity which may bring happiness,balance. This can also be a great time to reflect and thinking about the now and the future.

Ok thats enough for now. Buh bye ^_^

Ranting

2009-08-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

Ok so usually I dont touch on political topics but right now I will.

Global warming. If you don't know what it is by now your 5 seconds aways from a slap on the head. The climate is changing people. If you don't notice this then your dee dee dee. We need to go forward and end everything and have a world only running on not electricity but a source of energy like hydro or what not. If we can create a clean free world none of this will be happening.

But of course, the reason why this world is dying out quicker is because of our need for better things that impact the economy and planet in a vile and vicious way. No waste means no economical problems. So what are we going to do about the waste? Find a way to disintigrate it completely to the point where it keeps our planet green and more propserous.

More or less do I think we will stop the process of global warming. Hell no... More than likely people will find a way to live underwater or something like it so if a natural occurance happens, we can all stay alive. All n all if we don't push for a more green economy, we need to do it fast.

Oh and another thing. I am getting tired of the U.S. funding all of its tax payers dollars more on the war against marijuana. This plant is 20x more better then most of the shit you get in stores. Fight off cocaine and the harder drugs like heroin. Should marijuana be legal, yes. But I do think that it should be just that LEGAL. You will be surprised that if this ever goes legal how much the world would be a healthier place. I dont believe in the government telling people they cant grow it and sell it without paying them a fee (tax).

Taxes seems like fees to me. Its ridiculous! I understand we get some of it back until the end of the year. Another thing is the people who use our tax dollars don't even give a shit about the people. There are advocates out there who are fighting for our rights because we are also tax payers, the lgbt community. And because we have the right to be just as fucking miserable as heterosexual divorces if need be. If you guys want to watch a true honest to god documentary that will change your views on cannabis you should check out "The Union: The Business of Getting High". It will definitely enlighten you.

And enlightenment is never a bad thing people.

Status Queue

2009-08-07T22:23:00.001-07:00

I feel in love
Or so I thought
And now I know the truth
My heart is gone
Ive lost the time
To understand the truth

My heart was blind
But now im fine
The question is revealed
And through the blinds
Of times past by
I find the strength to heal

Ill find the time
To make him mine
Because my love
Is True

Fixation

2009-08-04T11:48:00.000-07:00

excuse the language but I am in a good mood. Im back into the dating scene (yeeha!). Ive been talking to this guy who I will call D. This boy is not only cute but hes so easy to talk to and hes so nice. I really like him, like being the definitive word. I'm glad I don't have a crush on him or have any feelings yet for him. What the hell am I talking about, I just need to let things go with the flow and stop analyzing this.

I have been doing loads of research on college courses. I am most positive I will be attending USF in 2010 for the spring semester. Ive been looking at alot of their classes that they have availible and I have a good clue as to what I want to major in. I know I will need to have a spanish class because in order to get the MLS (Masters of Library Science) degree I will need to atleast know another language. Why not polish up on my spanish while in school. Hell, I got an A in my spanish class in high school. I think I will enjoy myself. My major will most likely be either english or history, im still not sure.

The reason for my confusion is because I want to work in a library, yet I want to work in a museum kind of setting. I have never worked at a museum before but have always had a sort of itch to do so. In anycase, I am not entirely sure on the coursework or what not. I have also had other asaparations like becoming a historian with a specific degree in vampireism and other sorts of odd things. I just dont know... I tend to want to learn about soo much because I love to learn things and read alot. Knowledge has always been a commodity for me.

What I really need to do now is call up USF and ask them about their prerequisite classes I will need in order to actually get into the program. Im abit confused as to how all that works but I will probably just research it on the internet like I always do.

Alright I am going to go study for my math test in a week. Hope everyone is doing well and I hope people actually notice that yes, I am still alive and blogging even though my blog isnt at all popular.

Oh well.

Omg I remember these furbies lol. this one is funny.

Tampa

2009-08-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

These past two months have been an eye opener for me. I have been able to see a world I never knew was there. Its definitively an amazing moment for me. I think this is what you call growing. Because however old you get, your still your old self one way or another. This summer I have found myself, or some relevance for it.

I also wanted to point out what the hell is going on with my friend RYAN from boysareuglybutsocute. U NEVER TALK TO ME ! *cries*...

lol just hit me up butt head.

Enjoy your summer people. I have a retake on the 15th.

Many rainbow hugs

Hot Boys & Me Time

2009-07-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have been having alot of ME time which is a damn good thing I must say. Yesterday I went to the beach with my parents and my brothers girlfriend (shes like a sister to me). EVERYONE GOT SUN BURNED! EVEN ME! It sucks but when you haven't been to the beach in a long time like (me), its bound to happen. Plus we all forgot to put on sunblock (how stupid huh). Thank god I only got burned in the face. My brothers girlfriend got a bad sunburn though, hope she doesn't get sun poisoning. I also did abit of boy watching. And omg, I miss going to the beach more then I thought I did. I felt like such a perv oogling over all the men. Ive come to know that I dont really have a specific type of guy I like. Which is a good thing... I guess. I guess for me its more about the personality.

Ok well moving on to some downer news. I didn't pass the GED test. Well actually, I passed all the required areas except for the math portion. I needed 410 points to pass that portion and I got 400 points! I missed the mark by 10 fucking points, ugh! Anyway I am going to retake the test in aug. So right now I am going to be studying my ass off until the test so I can get ready for college in spring 2010. I can't wait! I soo just want to go to college already and start my life. I feel so damn sheltered here that its urking me more then usual. Not being able to get out as often as I would like does suck but hopefully soon, it will change. I just hope that I can go to the beach more often before the summer ends.

Hot boys and me time, im in.

Black N Blue

2009-07-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

Im trying to figure out. Why my life is the way it is. With losing yet another person and struggling to find change. Life is changing and I am noticing it. I am amazed by how affected I am by it. My body mind n soul seems perilous. As if the ever going change seems too much. But evidently, I adapt.

What will it be like to move on and be independent to the point of seclusion away from family. I have thought, and thought thoroughly about going to New York for school. Reason be, because I have family up there. Instead my mind is telling me to go to Tampa. Because I will be out of my element and somehow my mind is telling it will be good for me. Maybe its the frighten child I remember long ago. Who always second guessed himself. But no more will I be that frightened child.

Because the world is 2 big and amazing to be frightened.

Here are 2 pictures I just thought were just ridiculous!

Preggo barbie with baby... CRAZY CONCEPT!

And teen preggo barbie...I don't know what to say on this.

Seasons Change

2009-07-07T12:15:00.000-07:00

Wow I have had a roller coaster of a couple of weeks that I do not know where to start. Maybe I should start first and point out something that has just caught my attention. Ryan from boys are ugly but so cute recently posted about something that made me want to just hug the boy. I don't know if Ryan knows or not but I see him as like a big brother in many ways. Hes just such an amazing person (who is my age by the way) that I hope to one day be just like him. I guess you can say hes kind of like my idol ^_^. Hes such a kind and golden hearted man that he is what I aspire to be one day. Never forget Ryan that you have family right here.

Ok now I would like to talk about my little R&R away from the online world. I have been taking time for myself to reflect on my future. I have been in dire need to do this because I have been pretty much not thinking about it. I am happy I have because I now have things in perspective. I guess this is another way of growing up. And thats just ok with me.

Michael Jackson died. I still can't believe it because I have always seen him as being very young for his age. I may have not listened to his songs but I saw him as an icon. And an Icon he will always be. As a man who breached the barriers of white and black, he is and always will be not a man of color but a beacon of hope for all races.

I still haven't received my GED results and it is already past the deadline. I am ansy about this now. I want to know if I passed it ALREADY! lol. I called up my school and left a message. Hopefully I can get an answer. Because I am honest to god tired of the school stupid mistakes. With changing the scheduled date because they forgot to send in the paperwork, forgetting to put me into the GED class and having to add me in. I hope to god they didn't make another mistake cause I am close to just suing their asses... if that's even possible.

Have a good week everyone.

Whoe is me

2009-06-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

Things have been BUSSAY this past 2 weeks. I feel I have been pushing myself to do things I would not normally do. I have also had time to reflect on myself which I haven't done in a whole while. I guess you can say I have been finding myself abit.

Keeping busy these days is more of a chore for me. If I don't keep busy I get really bored and feel icky. I do not think I have mentioned this but I have been diagnosed with depression since I was about 13. This disorder I have has pretty much altered and destroyed my life. I use to be at a perfect weight, happy mood, and always busy with myself. Hell I even thought I was sexy! And then my hormones kicked in and everything changed. I lost interest in alot of things,people, and myself which inevitably turned me into a hermit/loner. Thank god at 16 I began to restart my life, with the help of someone at the time. I just feel I have lost alot of years of my life and I am ready to take them back.

I have been playing the dating field. After my breakup I feel refreshed and ready to date more guys. Its kind of unnerving sometimes because I never thought of myself as the kind of guy who enjoys talking to random attractive people. I guess when you get older things change. I AM SO READY FOR COLLEGE! I can't wait to get my ged thing... IF IT EVER ARRIVES! I am so going to USF (university of south florida) in Tampa. I just think being on the opposite side of the peninsula will be a great life changing experience for me. Plus, I will be living in the dorms. I am abit flustered because I will be away from my parents. But I just keep on telling myself I have to spread my wings and start my life instead of keeping it on pause.

Like I said before I am really thrilled about the possibility of going to college. Seeing new people, making new friends sounds awesome to me. And not being attached to anyone is an awesome feeling. Why the hell did I decide on starting a relationship this early, experience I guess. Thats the only reason I can think of. But I think doing the whole college life thing will be good for me.

So... I am going to get off here now because ive got lots to do.

Later!

(I can't believe I found this picture...soo wrong lol. Its called welfare barbie!)

R & R

2009-06-21T20:03:00.001-07:00

ok so you guys have probably noticed I have been acting differnt lately. No need for concern I am just fine. I am just having a great time right now just enjoying myself and not worrying. Sometimes in life you've got to relax and let things go ya know? So thats what I am doing. Enough with being the uptight thing and just let things flow.

check out (freak of nature, on my music player) and the song is pretty much self explainatory on how I feel right now.

Bye...

After years of marriage to barbie...

Shall I say...more?

Ok yeah I sound hyper, whatever

2009-06-20T20:20:00.001-07:00

let me just put it this way... hyper.....

-Angel

I Can't Be Defeated.

2009-06-16T16:42:00.000-07:00

(note: there is a video below that explains how I feel.)

seriously. I am not trying to be corny or anything but today has just been one fucking fantastic day after another. And I say that in the upmost way. Went out and bought myself some shirts because I deserve alittle splurge for saving my money. Im not a label whore but when you are happy that you buy something like a raplh lauren shirt, someone like me who rarely finds sweet deals, its the iceing on the cake to make my day. Ive just had a great day, havent had one in awhile. And there is nothing wrong with grinnin and happyness.

Dumpin the guy I was seeing seems to have made me happier, among other things of course. I would call myself in shock but I am not. Because today is a new day for me and its time I shed out of this fucking shell I put myself in and just L I V E for a chance.

Enjoy your day everyone. I know I am. And remember to never let anyone defeat you in any way possible.

I Cant Be Defeated
Selling stories that were overrated
In this world so complicated
Felt so right, you tried to make it wrong
Why can't we all just get along?

From the start something wasn't right
I used to cry myself to sleep at night
Told myself stand up, be strong
This kind of phase doesn't last for long

And every time you try to knock me down
Gonna pick my back up off the ground
The battle never ends, yeah

You can tear me apart, you can rip me to pieces
Try breaking me down but I'll never be beated
You can say that you won but I'll never believe it
'Cause I can't be defeated

Made a mistake, swore I'll never repeat it
Lost my heart for a second but it never stopped beating
I smile through the tears so the way that I see it
I can't be defeated

There are times that I couldn't take it
Never felt so violated
At the risk of sounding so cliche
I just gotta call a spade a spade

Hurts me right to the core
I can't take this anymore
Getting tired of the same old song
Final chorus now I'm moving on

Things ain't fair in love and war
Never been the kind to be ignored
Tried to push me to the edge

Yeah, you can tear me apart, you can rip me to pieces
Try breaking me down but I'll never be beated
You can say that you won but I'll never believe it
'Cause I can't be defeated

Made a mistake, swore I'll never repeat it
Lost my heart for a second but it never stopped beating
I smile through the tears so the way that I see it
I can't be defeated

Nothing is impossible, nothing is unreachable
If you only believe then you get what you need
So keep on holdin' on

You can tear me apart, you can rip me to pieces
Try breaking me down but I'll never be beated
You can say that you won but I'll never believe it
'Cause I can't be defeated

Made a mistake, swore I'll never repeat it
Lost my heart for a second but it never stopped beating
I smile through the tears so the way that I see it
I can't be defeated

Booger Time

2009-06-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

yep, im sick yet again. WTF! This year has defintely been one of the most sickest times for myself. Seriously, I havent had a cold or flu since I was about 16 and now this year ive had a total number of 3 colds, including the one I have now. It baffles me at how I am getting this colds. Its probably because I am going out alot these days. Which should be a good thing but inevitably it isn't. So I have been having a sore throat since Wednesday. So I haven't been practicing any fellatio, even though I don't need it. So I am still puzzled on how the hell I got this. Ive already coughed up some of the mucus and I am using a couple of drugs like antibiotics, mucinex, cough drops, and nyquil at night for the coughing. Ive also been gargling with salt water 2wice a day. I just hope this shit leaves because I wanna get back to my singing and stop sounding like a butchy lesbian...

Evil infection...

Coming To Terms

2009-06-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

Sooo... I broke up with my boyfriend. Ontop of that I deleted the last post because I found it stupid and childish. I guess you can't cry over spilt milk. In anycase I broke up with the guy. Mainly because there was little to no communication. Plus, I felt the relationship was moving to fast. There were other things but whatever. So right now I am still waiting to find out if I got my diploma or not so I can start working on school. Its kind of funny how all of this happened because I honestly think that I am better off. I believe having a boyfriend right now would be cool but I need someone who will support me instead of confusing the shit out of me.

Heres to the boys who make us crazy.

Okay, now im gunna chow down on some RAMEN! YAY! ^_^

Heavy Rotation

2009-05-29T01:27:00.000-07:00

O M G! I have been busy off my ass! God I've never had this much attention in awhile, and yes it feels good. No, I am not ashame for some good attention. It helps when your only haven is a box where you can't really be yourself. Thank you for your comments peeps, I really appreciate it. Been missing my lovely friend ryan... I wish you would call me back so we can chat over the phone but I guess not...sigh. Also thanks mr field, your comments on my writing always prove to a big ego booster...even though I don't have one lol.

I dont even know where to start so I am just going to try to say what I need to say. Last week I went to one of the biggest gay clubs in jax. Let me just say this place was PACKED! Like serious, I felt like everyone was staring at me I was freakin paranoid. Anyway I met the same guy I met at the latino club (mr puerto rico). I didn't even know he was going to be there so I just was shocked. As usual, he is sexy as shit. And by the way (mama), I might just take you up on that idea of going to his salon. Ok back on topic, I saw like 2 drag shows. Once they were done I spoke to one of the drag queens whom (I LOVE) because shes just such an awesome person. Almost got pulled out by my dick by my friend because she wanted to leave and I was having a conversation.

OK, next would be what has been going on this week. Monday I went out with my best friend and visited like two stores. I SOO WISH I HAD A JOB, UGH! There were like 2 shirts I just LOVED but I couldn't afford them. And hell yes, I do need new clothing. Maybe down the road something will happen. We were originally suppose to go to the new ed hardy store out by 5 points (i love that neighborhood). But she said they close around 4 so I just pouted and went on my merry way.

Tuesday I went out with my brother. More like he gave me a ride since I fucking hate his guts but whatever. We went to see the beautiful sheman, her on n off girlfriend, and shemans sister. So anyway we go there to just see a movie or two. Then my brother bought PIZZA! Ah! If anyone knows me I LOVE PIZZA! Its like the most delicious, most yummy, most omg organism in your mouth food in the world...to me that is. Yes I am a southern new yorker that loves his pizza. Buy me pizza anyday and I will be your friend lol.

Anywho today I got dressed and everything because my brother told me we were going out to the lesbian bar. Let me just note I never thought I would like a lesbian bar but OMG its soo much fun. The lezzies just love me. Its maybe because im such a big teddy bear, I don't know. So I am dressed and ready and it is like 9:40 ish and I get a call from my best friend. She wanted to know if I was still going to the bar and of course I said yes. She then tells me to call Mexi-Melt if he still wants to go and he says yes. I call my brother to see if he is still going because he is suppose to pick me up and guess what, he bails and says that he is coming home to go to sleep... FUCK! Then he tells me that she-man, on n off, and she-mans sister are not going either. So pretty much my evening would have turned out shitty. Thank god I had a backup plan with my best friend. See, its always good to have a backup plan when you REALLY WANT TO GO OUT!

So we get there and I am hugging and talking to people I have only met once. Just a bunch of lezzies who like me heh. Its always great to feel loved even though it may or may not be real. But for someone like me who rarely gets attention, its a great feeling. Then I saw she-man and my happy meter rose because I love her, on n off, and she-mans sister. They are such honest to god good people that I am honored to be called their friend. I gave her a hug, introduced her to my friends and then I ran toward the dance floor, literally leaving my friends standing there clueless. Its the electric slide come one! Yes I like to dance... do I dance well I don't think so but atleast I try and I know I stay with the beat.

I came back after the song and saw them still standing there -_-. So I had to literally walk them over and place them at a table because they were being pussies. They order food, which I didn't know you could and we sat there and talked. Next thing I know is they are done, I am munching on fries when she-man comes out of no where. I put a fry in her mouth and we start talking. We begin speaking about some stuff when she starts spewing about my brother. Now I don't like gossip but when your life is as boring as mine its fun to hear it. She starts to tell me that my brother had like a crush on her when they were in school together and she thinks he still does. I flat out tell her that he doesn't understand the concept of shes a lesbian. We both agreed on that, especially the part where we both think that he believes he can convert her. Now I know for a damn fact that if someone is a lesbian their a lesbian. And for the mere fact that this girl can pass for a guy on all areas goes to show that theres no such thing as a convert. There is a such thing as bisexualism but I wont go there.

Truthfully I think my brother is bi and the reason why he is attracted to she-man is that she has the best of both worlds. A manly personality with girly features except for she can grow facial hair. Then she beings to tell me she suspects that my brother and her sister are together. I flat out looked shocked even though I know about this. So thank god to my acting experience I was able to make her believe I didn't know. Because first and formost I could care less if my brother got caught. Hes an idiot and will always be one. She then says that if she catches him she is going to kick her sister and my brothers ass. I flat out told her that if it comes to that I want to be there so I can record it and watch it later with some popcorn. She laughed about that but it was true, seeing my brother get his ass kicked by a butchy lesbian, priceless.

Anywho I sing one song and alot of people applaude *yay*. Then on n off comes in and my happy meter goes up more. I introduce her, hug here, and pretty almost did a happy dance lol. Then about 20 mintues later guess who walks into the bar...my brother and she-mans sister. My happy meter dissapears when I see him but when I see here it shoots back up. I hate being in a very gay environment with my brother because I end up feeling like I should not talk to any of the hot guys in the bar, which there were 3 tonight heh. Because if I know him, he would just start a fight with the guy and I would be banned from the bar and I am not having that. So I just play it safe because I don't want him ruining it.

More dancing and then I meet she-mans sisters ex, biker boy. This dud was tall and sexy in a skinny emo way. I would have loved to ride him and his bike but of course I find out hes straight...sigh. Anyway my brother is pissed because she-mans sister is like giving biker boy alot of attention so I have to remind my brother that they are not together so she can do what the fuck she wants. And of course, he doesn't like hearing the truth.

Ok onto other things my so called boyfriend tells me he is going to most likely be moving to jacksonville in two months or so. I am happy because I get to meet the man in person. I am also happy because I have the opportunity to move the fuck out of my parents house. Whats funny about this is that I would only be moving down the street from my parents lol. But I figure its safer that way. I know some of you guys will be telling me to be caucious but I know I can handle myself and yes I will be caucious. OH and by the way his neighbor is not pressing charges so he is off the hook ^-^. Then I flat out told him to not get into any more fights or anything which he said he wont so I will take his word. His roommmate hasn't move out yet... Which I am abit peeved but whatever. Oh and I also talked about how he has to stop letting people walk over him. I know that if we ever got together I would never let that happen cause I am a strict mofo who don't take shit.

good god I have written alot AGAIN! Well I guess I am going to cut it here. SEE, this is what happens when I don't write on my blog every day. later peeping toms!

Painting by: Julie Paschkis

Steady Paces

2009-05-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who reply to my posts. Most of the time I feel rather lonely and wish I could talk to someone. Plus, not having the financial sway to do things is a real downer. But I guess I get by ok. Also I am sooo sooo happy ryan is getting better. HANG IN THERE LUV! I feel so worried about him all the time, hes like the only guy whos my own age that I feel this strongly about. Hes my friend and my brother (from another mother). I know he will get back on his feet and I am also happy he is eating ^_^.

I know its been awhile since I have posted but I do have lots to tell so here we go. I finished my GED test last week"ish" (on the 9th) and I am really confident that I passed. If I didn't i'd probably scream and do it again. But in anycase I know I passed it. I am still talking to B. Hes still having alot of stress and drama issues down where he lives. I talked to him yesterday and he told me that he got into a fight with his roommate. His roommate punched him in the face and he threw his roommate across the room into a wall. Now I am furious at this because his asshole roommmate (who is leaving in 2 days thank god) hit him and then when B threw him, he said he was going to call the cops.

Now if I was in this situation I would have called the cops and kicked his ass out as soon as he hit me but thats just me. But I think B is abit gullible to the situation. I am confused at this and it urks me that a man who is 33 wont stand up and take charge of the situation. All I know is that if I were there, that boy would have had his ass kicked and I would have probably been in jail. I may be able to take some shit from people but if you put your hands on me, its on. I just hope that B decides to move to Jacksonville. Away from the drama and start fresh in his life.

I can hear my mom saying that I shouldn't move in with him yet which I do kinda sort of agree on. But sometimes when you like someone alot you either take the plunge or wait. I am still going to wait because I am still abit iffy as to if he is going to move up here. If he does I will go from there but for right now I am just enjoying the ride. I just wish he would get away from that chaos and find some bliss here with me.

Saturday (2 days ago) my best friend picked me up because she had heard about this new club that had opened up and she wanted to check it out. We went and picked up her friend whom I will call Mexi-melt because hes a fine ass mexican. A good thing I would like to point out about Mexi-melt is that he is Bisexual. I know some of you are thinking theres no such thing but his excuse is that he likes to have sex with guys but he likes to date girls. Which is understandable I guess but the first time I met Mexi-melt years ago, I thought he was the queen of nelly bottoms everywhere. But as I have got to know him, see his mannerisms, and hear him talk I still think hes gay, he just doesn't see it yet. But I must confess that I am very much attracted to him. But my attraction to him is more skin deep then external. He just is a really great guy. I just know in the back of my mind that he doesn't see me that way.

Anywho we pass this club soo many times its not funny. So since we couldn't find it we went to our regular beach club hangout. We stayed there for alittle bit and watched the drag show. Then Mexi-melt got a call from his friend. We left because we found the location and away we went. We got there around maybe 11:30 and come to find out, its a gay latino bar/club. Got out of the car and made our way to the entrance and met up with Mexi-melts friend. I think my jaw about fell to the ground.

This boy was exactly my height. Chiseled jaw with a face so sexy you just wanted to lick it. I knew he was wearing contacts cause his eye color was blueish. His lips were puckered and not too full, just right. He had one of those beards that aligned his jaw perfectly, giving him the appearance of a perfect jawline. And ontop of that HES PUERTO RICAN! If I was a drama queen I would have fainted. So I spoke to him alittle bit and come to find out he owns his own hair-salon, he speaks Spanish, and hes 30. When he said he was 30 I was shocked, and I even gave him a look because he looks like hes 18 maybe 19! I am not shitting you he just exudes this young appearence and it is a BIG BIG turn on for me. Older guy who looks and acts younger but is mature, DING DING DING! Anywho he left before I could talk more with him. I hope I didn't run him off.

Also I wanted your views on a situation. This girl that my brother likes has a problem. I am going to start with the positive and work my way to the negative. So this girl is really really nice. I mean so nice it can probably make you sick. Shes got an awesome personality and shes the kind of breeder you end up marrying because shes perfect. Except for one little thing, she has herpes. Now I personally couldn't care less about this because (i know this is going to sound evil) I could care less if my brother died tomarrow but hes such a brain fart you have to explain it to him. But I just feel I need to caution him with what she has. The girl says that she got rapped but she doesn't act like a rape victim, I should know I was raped at 12. In anycase the girls sister one time called her a whore which expects me to think that this girl didn't get raped but instead was sleeping around unprotected. In anycase it sucks that bad things always happen to good people.

Oh and by the way (don't know if I said this already) i finished my GEDtest. I feel really good about and cant wait to receive my diploma! next on the list is college!

Ok thats about it. Enjoy your week or weekend and I will try to post more soon.

Au Revior!

Finding love while understanding a dumbass thats prone to accidents.

2009-05-08T17:26:00.001-07:00

Hey guys, sorry I havent updated my blog in a week or two ive just been busy. I am over my cold *THANK GOD!* and I am feeling great again. I am very glad that ryan is alive, I was prayin up a storm...

Ok lets start with this posts title and make my way down.

Love, its one of the things that kind of makes your life complete, atleast in the beginning thralls of it. I believe I may have my first boyfriend in three years. His name is B. Hes cute, tall, and has a great personality. We've been speaking on and off for about three months. We've been talking on the phone for awhile when one day he pulls out those three little words, "I LOVE YOU". I was shocked because I am also slowly falling in love with him. So I told him I loved him to, which is true but then again its not. Im kind of between like I love him as a boyfriend but not as a partner. I just dont feel at this moment unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. I just love him, is that good enough? Then he goes and tells me he wants me to move in with him. 0_0 I told him I would love to move in with him but as long as I get to know him first in person. See I met him through an internet site. I have heard his voice, seen his pictures, seen his pictures with other friends (friends that have their own accounts). Hes beautiful on the outside but sort of guarded on the inside. So as far as me moving in with him I don't know. I would rather have him move here because of all the drama that is going on where he lives. Still I think I should meet him first at a public place to feel him out in person. But I don't know if hes the one. I will just have to see.

Ok next with the dumbass, my brother. Yesterday me and my brother went to his friends house (2 dykes and a sister). These two girls (were) lovers but now they are just having some problems. One of the lezzies is my brothers friend whom he use to go to school with. Now I was shocked when I met the girl cause she LOOKS LIKE A MAN! I mean she had facial hair and the face of a man with the voice of a flamboyant gay guy. Come to find out that she has this rare hair thing where she can grow facial hair on her face. Ontop of that shes butchy so the whole aspect of herself works out. I swear I saw her and I was like damn hes cute until I found out that he is a she. I felt odd afterward but got over it. Then I met man-girl's girlfriend (or on and off girlfriend). This girl acts all sweet and then shows her true colors. Man-girl's sister came home and man-girls girlfriend just gives man-girl's sister the evil eye. Now I am sitting here and from my first look at this girl (and listening to my vibes) this girl is a little christian girl who looks like sarah plain and tall (scratch that, short). I mean she is literally the most plain person I have EVER SEEN, facial wise. Anywho my brother really likes this girl and wants to do his thing with her (shes 20 thank god, oh and yes hes a pig). So we are there from 10pm to about 4 in the morning. I am getting tired and I have to get up early and study for my test tomorrow. So we leave and my brother tells me flat out," Your such an ass, I am not bring you here anymore." I am like what the fuck did I do? He then goes and tells me he wanted to spend time with the girl. I about punched him in the face. This son of a bitch was at that apartment for all those hours and he barely hung out with her. He was just waiting for man-girl to go to bed because thats man-girls sister. So basically he blames me for something that was more or less his fault and hes just being selfish because he can't get his way. And when my brother doesn't get his way he likes to punish people, mostly me. So no xbox, and I can't go out again with him. What a son of a bitch, right?

Now onto the accident. Dumbass got into a car accident. He actually hit some woman in a car on a road that was 25 miles per hour. Heres how he says it went. He was trying to stop at the light when his brakes didn't work. He hits the lady and there we go, an accident. Now when he first called my dad he said," He was in the car with a friend." When we get there he changes that and says there was no one in the car... I smell bullshit.

So the police officer comes out and talks to this old guy who looks like hes maybe in his late 80's mid 70's. He walks by us and we ask him if the girl (the driver of the other car) is ok. Come to find out hes the girls grandfather. So he just walks by and doesnt say shit. Jesus what the fuck is wrong with people. If someone sounds like they are asking if the girl is hurt you should atleast say something, not be a complete asshole about it. The police officer comes out of her car, shes pretty.

She gives my brother a ticket saying (careless driving and not able to give a replacement drivers license). The replacement drivers license just sounded stupid and the police officers (from my point of view) were kind of being an ass to my brother. He'll, the first officer that came there my brother said had an attitude. Dumbasses license is find so I have no clue why they put that. So we are about to leave when a red corvette flys by us and stops infront of my dads car. Now I am thinking oh shit, what the fuck is this. A guy comes out of the car, shirtless, and mildly turning me on. Its the blue eyes that just do it for me heh. Anywho he comes to the car and asks my brother if hes ok. Come to find out that this is the friend my brother said first he wasn't in the car. Then changed his shit to saying his friend was across the street.

What I think is that this guy is a drug dealer. And the reason why my brother said else was to save the guys ass. Stupid or what, this guy could have been a vital witness. Anyway I am just pissed off until the guy starts talking and I was about to say something. The guy has a very flamboyant voice and mannerisms but he hides them sort of well. The guy is obviously gay and if I offend people by what I say its just how I am expressing myself. Anywho blue-eyes leaves and I am sitting there like who the fuck was that, knowing hes probably dumbasses dealer and probably dumbasses boytoy. It just felt that way and I am usually about 99 percent true with my feelings.

So anyway we come home and drop my brother off. I am pissed off because of what my dad didn't do. See here, whenever I go out to go party with a friend or go out on a date (when I get one) my parents ask a list of questions. With my brother they dont. He says hes going out and thats that. But with me its 20 questions. And then if I dont pass a question I get threatened (like they wont open the house door or they will tell me don't come back). My dad says its because I dont own my own car or have a real job. First off I tell him that that bullshit 20 questions shit is over. I am 21, I can go out and hang with whomever I want. If they don't like it oh well. I need to find new people to meet and hang out with and I can't do that when I feel like I am a caged animal whos freedom to do things is limited. So I told my dad that, thats enough. I am not going to bring anyone home with me whatever I do is outside and its my business. If I am going to a party or a place I will call and tell them I got there alright and where I am. And that is that.

Shit ive written too much again, eh... Well I guess I will write more later because right now my hands are numb.

Later peeps, wish me luck on my GED Test tomorrow.

Prayers for Ryan

2009-04-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

I decided to dedicate this post to my good friend Ryan who is in the hospital right now. From what I hear it sounds very severe and I am very frightened for him. So if anyone who visits here can you please pray for Ryans safe recovery. I have already gone through my little grapevine of people I know who pray for people. Some people may call this drastic or too much but I really love that guy, hes like the brother I never had. Also pray for his family also. I know they will also need all the prayer they can get.

Please pray for him please.

What does it mean...

2009-04-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

when a guy your interested in is a "physical" clone of someone you despise. One of the guys I have been talking to here and there and have a general interest in seems like a really cool guy. But today when my brother walked into the house I about shit my pants because it looked like the guy I was interested in. If my (my brother's the it) brother hadn't said something I would have freaked out.

Is it a good thing that the guy your interested in looks alot like your brother! Ugh! God sometimes I wish my brain didn't register things. Then i wouldn't have to feel awkward talking with the guy I am interested in. I know I have said this before but I despise my brother, a hulluva lot. Now whenenver I am thinking or talking to the guy I am interested in, I will have that mental image in my head. This is soo fucked up!

For the past couple of days I have been super moody, nerves been acting up, and sleepy then not sleepy. I have a general idea whats wrong but I will have to see if things change.

Also I wanted to say thanks to everyone who's been commenting. I have like about 2 friends in Jacksonville that I talk to and one of them I only hear from when they have the time cuz they work like crazy. Having the feeling of loneliness and not really being able to get out is hard but I have to deal one way or another. I also wanted to say thanks to Angela. I may not really know you as I know Mr.Field but hopefully we can chit chat whenever there is time. Oh and thank you for letting me know who Holly is, I wasn't entirely sure who she was.

Alright I am going to go snuggle with my kitty and watch my favorite show of all time "Queer as Folk". Hopefully this will bring up my mood more as writing this has.

Later bloggers.

Do the happy dance ^-^

2009-04-18T12:28:00.000-07:00

I got word back from Ravenous Romance about my (20+) page short story I wrote about a month ago. This lady (I guess shes an agent, I dont know) named Holly Schmidt (hope I spelled that right) said she was interested and wanted to review the manuscript. Hopefully my short story will get published so I can continue writing more short stories and build up my cred abit. I am excited but I am also cautious because the lady could see my short story and reject it. I am just happy I got a response from Ravenous because I love what they are doing with their writers.

Now I dont usually write Romance because for me its just not my thing. I am more of a genre blender. I like to mix romance with abit of everything else. But for the short story I wrote it was a good mixture of comedy, romance, and supernatural. Just the kind of thing I love writing about.

Went to the first opening of the Diversity Alliance club I started with a librarian. It was nice and I really enjoyed myself. There weren't alot of people there but it was defintely a great experience.

Ok thats it for now. I am going to get off of this library computer and hope my ride comes soon cause I soo wanna drown myself in cold ice water lol. Care to see me wet...? lol

Angel

I Love Pictures

2009-04-15T16:21:00.000-07:00

Pictures to me are one of the many beautiful ways of expression. Especially still pictures where there are no titles and no explanations. I find it very intriguing and funny when I post pictures. Because if you don't explain, its fun to see people trying to figure out what the pictures intended meaning is.

The answer your questions I'm going to start with explaining the pictures. First I tagged along with my brother to his friends house. They were having a little get together which involved games and food (free food is awesome lol). Anyway things were going great when the two boys (in the pictures) went outside. They came back into the house smelling like they just smoked a blunt of something most young college boys do. So they came back in and started stripping! I was shocked and turned on so much I was just...drooling lol. I never got to see anything special besides their bum bum's but all in all, I was thoroughly enjoying myself. :)!

So once they were done changing into the nighties lol, I took out my camera and snapped the photos. They knew I did it and were cool with it. And there you guys go. These guys are just friends of my brother. I was hoping this boys were even remotely bi because if my brothers wasn't there, I would have pounced on that quicker then a cheetah lol. God they were soo smexy... By the way I caught the first episode to MTV's The Dual II. Yeah I am a big fan of the Real World. Its like a soap opera I can't wait to see. I hope this answers everyones question lol. And Ryan I love ya man. I miss talking with ya hit me up yo hehe. My little lady, I wish that was the guy I was talking to. If it was id be all smiles hehe. So yeah that basically explains that night.

Nothing really is going on with me. My cold has gotten better. I just have alittle scratchiness and light coughing hear and there so its cool. I CAN SMELL AND TASTE AGAIN WHOOHOO! lol. Well thats all for now.

Happy Humpday!

Pictures say a thousand words...

2009-04-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

about last night.

Ooh, I do declare... lol

Goodmorning Friends

The Easter Bunny Brought Me Something

2009-04-12T14:42:00.000-07:00

Family...

I havent seen my aunt in about a year. I gotta tell you guys something. I love my aunt. Shes actually my mothers sister (shes a year older then my mom). That lady reminds me soo much of my mother but has this sort of spark in her that my mother doesn't. What I just found out (and I never knew) is that my aunt is actually my godmother. I was shocked and rather pleased, my parents made a good decision on that one. My aunt lives up in New York with her family. Shes a teacher who actually teachers future teachers. Shes an amazing woman and I wish I knew her when she was growing up. Shes just that kind of person that... I don't know. Its almost like her personality just draws you in and you just want to love her. I can't wait to save some money so I can go see her up in New York. God... I miss new york...

My grandparents came by also with my aunt. I love my grandparents on my mothers side. They are really good people. My grandmother is a hoot! She is always a great person to have a conversation with. My grandfather (hes my only grandfather) is pretty cool. He doesn't really say much in English because hes from Puerto Rico and refuses to speak English unless necessary. He was also a vet from WWII. His brother actually is a monseigneur (before bishop in catholic religion) in Puerto Rico. They don't know this but I love my dads mother more in New York. She may be a grandma but shes always one to make people laugh even when their having a lowzy day. My dad gets that from her and luckily, so do I. ^_^

I don't usually celebrate Easter because to me its not really a holiday. But this year I defintely enjoyed myself. I am getting better. I still have alittle bit of phlem but all in all I am feeling better. Thanks for the messages my friends. They defintely help me when I am down.

Cherry O' Peeps and Happy Easter!

Happy Friday

2009-04-10T16:31:00.001-07:00

I still have a cold. Its not as bad as it use to be but I'm still good. Happy Friday everyone! By the way the picture below I took with my new cellphone camera.

Carpe Diem!

That Green Little Monster

2009-04-08T12:47:00.000-07:00

I hate colds... My brother recently got a cold and you know what, now I have one. I haven't had a cold in literally 3 years and now I do. Sometimes I just feel that whenever it comes, it comes and bites you on the ass when you least expect it. I am glad my throat doesn't feel like a desert. So its all good for right now. The guy I have been speaking to lately has messaged me a couple of times already. Things seem to be going good between us which is awesome. For some reason I am just not in the mood for writing, I guess its because of my cold I don't know.

But in anycase I will keep you guys updated.

Angel

I Fucking Hate You Blood Brother

2009-04-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

What you did was low

"Low"

Everybody’s talking
But they don’t say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don’t want the sympathy
Its cool you didn’t want me
Sometimes you can’t go back
But why’d you have to go and make a mess like that
Well I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low

No I don’t need your number
There’s nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be saved
My friends are outside waiting
I’ve gotta go

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)
What you did was low (low)

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go with a clear conscience
We both know that you can’t say that
Here's to show
For all the time I loved you so…
So...

Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know?
Were you left out in the cold?
What you did was low
Have you ever been low?
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so?
Cuz what you did was low

That Thing

2009-03-27T19:15:00.001-07:00

If I could I would slap the shit out of any gay men who try's to play me. I am not talking about the guy I am speaking to. I am just fucking pissed about myself. I soo fucking hate it when guys tag along like im some sort of post-it that you can stick to something and then throw away when ur done with it. This leads me to this asshole closeted queen whose name is Mark Edward Campbell (yes that's his real name). If you want his address I forgot it but this bitch tried to play me! We met over a chat service on the phone. Yeah I know over the chat dating, blah blah blah but sue me. I was lonely, I had one friend, and I didn't have a job AND SCHOOL WAS BORING AS HELL! So we started talking and what do you know, we talked for like 6 hours. We never stopped talking. I think I was up with him until 5 in the morning.

Anyway afterward we talked every single day. It was nonstop talking. Until he met me in person. This was a guy I wanted to be friends with, maybe more if the cards were right. Well I met him, we did 69 (whoo hoo) and that was it. I asked him if we could ever be something more and he told me no...because we were soo differnt. I was fine with this but the were so differnt part, mutha fucka just say your not attracted to me. Hell, that sonofabitch was more attracted to younger boys who were twinks. Not like ryan because I see him more of a swimmer type, like a jock who only does swimming.

Anyway he dropped me off at a restaurant. The guy also had a problem with public affection...sigh. His damn windows in his truck were tinted, no one could see and yet he wouldn't even let me kiss him goodbye (I like kissing). But ya know what that never happened. Then he calls me up when I have been at home for about 2 hours to see if I was ok. I was like "aw" he was worried about me. But I slapped that bitch ass feeling down. Because that mutha fucka never called me.

I had to call him just to check up. Ladies...men if you ever have someone who doesn't call you LEAVE IT ALONE, that mutha fucka aint interested. But no not me, not even though I was his friend. So about oh god months later I called him and cursed him the fuck out...on a message. Basically told him to stick a sawed off up his ass and pull the trigger for trying to play me and acting like I was a friend when all he wanted was a goddamn trick. And bitch, I aint no god damn trick. I am the fucking black pearl you find at the bottom of the sea. I am rare and I am fucking beautiful. And if you can't appreciate that, even if I just want to be friends. Then fuck you and the rainbow you rode in on.

Laters people,
From a mean lil fairy called "Angel"

Chasing Pavements

2009-03-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ive been thinking alot lately, not really a good thing but then again it is. I've been reading alot about your guys comments on the guy ive started talking to. Thanks for the comments guys. I spoke to my mama laurie and showed her what the guy was saying and she helped me make a decision. I am going to let this play out and just be cautious about it. It just hurts alittle when you see this guy your really interested in pictures kissing another guy "who is his roommmate". His roommmate is jealous because he has a thing for him and they dated for about a week until B, the guy Ive been talking to said it wouldn't work out but they can be friends. But I still am hopeful that hes telling the truth. I'd have no problem telling him to go fuck off but thats just me.

I know that if he is lying to me I will get hurt but atleast, I can stop it in its tracks. Cause I refuse to be the other woman, mistress, or man in the relationship. Because I think its disrespectful, shameful, and just wrong. And I don't believe in cheating. If I was with someone and they cheated on me that would be it. My philosophy on cheaters is that if they do it once they will do it again. But there are exceptions to this.

Im somewhat enjoying my spring break. To reflect, write, and just enjoy myself for a change. Sometimes its good to take a break from the world and just have some time for yourself. Still, I feel sometimes that as the world passes by me, I am still here not going anywhere as of yet. With trying to publish my short story, recording my singing, writing away on my book. I feel that time is just time, its how you spend it ya know.

Heres to chasing pavements.

I Dont Feel Sober

2009-03-21T00:14:00.000-07:00

OK... let me explain why I am in the mood I am. I've been talking to this guy for about 2 weeks or so. Hes been...how should I say this, romantic with his words. Now I am a person whom sees this from a curious perspective because I always know its behind something. I just...don't know. I finally talked to him on the phone 2 days ago. He has a roommate who is a good friend and they use to be fuck buddies but he got tired of the roommates ways so their just friends now. The other guy, I believe, is super jealous. Like I would call the number he gave me and no one would pick up. Second time it goes after 3 rings and straight to the answering machine, not like the last 8 rings it did before. I left a message and I haven't heard back. Then tonight he comes online and hey says hey, and then says hes gotta go take a shower and says he will contact me once hes done, that was 10 o'clock, its past midnight now.

Another thing about this guy is that he says he doesn't have a cellphone. Yet, on his yahoo messenger he has his going away thing on "I'm Mobile". I confused and frustrated cause I think hes playing me or I am just being stupid. I don't know, I will just see where this leads and hope that this is not a game and I am not being played.

Sometimes, I hate being alone for too long because I think it gets to my head. And having no one I can kiss and hold. I need something that doesn't revolve around sex. I need to be with a man... Not sexually but to be. Because it hurts soo much when I am not. And it hurts when I feel so disconnected.

And right now, I don't feel as sober as yesterday.

Update 12PM: By the way this was last night, right now im feeling alittle stronger. But im still frazzled about this guy.

Rav my Romance

2009-03-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

Hey peeps,

I'm abit excited right now because I just finished my first short story for ravenous romance. Its literally the longest short story I have ever written and it took me about 2 days to finish it. For me, it was definitely a challenge seeing how busy I am now adays. But I did it and I am excited about it. I like how the story came out and am just happy I am done with it. I'm going to be sending off my query letter to Ravenous Romance soon as the three people I have requested read it give me their feedback.

Tomorrow I am taking a GED practice test. Ive taken one similar like it but I wanted to refresh myself before taking the actual test on April 25th. I'm just super excited I wrote a story that is literally about 16 pages. In any sense, once I submit it I will wait to hear a response. If I get rejected I will still be happy and probably post the letter on my wall lol. Okay now I am tired and hungry and need to relax. Ryan!, get better dodohead, little lady I love ya, ryan field keep on shelving out that amazing work sexy, and dana always making me make go gaga over her kitty pictures.

See ya!

Welcome to the Mile High Club

2009-03-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

Today instead of ranting about my life and its problems I will instead review a short story I just read from Ryan Field called The Mile High Club. Now I have never done a review of a short story before so here I go.

Ryan Fields "Mile High Club" is exactly what the story is about. A couple who is married goes into an airport but as soon as they go into that airport they start to play a game. A game where they are complete strangers. Once they get on the airplane things start to heat up. Even leading to an extraordinary foursome that will leave your body wanting more. So go pick up Ryan Fields Mile High Club. Its free for a limited time at ravenous romance. Who knows, you may just find yourself on all fours wanting more.

Later bloggers.

Close Encounters With The Fucked Up Kind

2009-03-08T09:25:00.000-07:00

yeah sorry for the cursing but its pretty much how my week has been so far. Lets go ahead and spill.

This week has been a freaking roller coaster ride of emotions and busyness. Wednesday I went to school and spoke with my teacher about a couple of things and then went to work. I don't know if I told anyone this but on Monday I went for GED orientation to pay the money(which I got a scholarship for) and sit through 2 hours of stupidness. My testing date is April 25th. I know I am going to do well but at least I will stay alert and keep on studying before then. I hope to get my GED soon so I can get the hell out of this hell hole I am in and go to college and grab some COLLEGE BOY ASS! Well... not so much the grabbing but thinking about it lol.

Anyway, Saturday I went to this teen council meeting to speak with the teens about a possible program that I had thought up. Its basically going to be an official club at the library I work for. Its a club that is targeted toward the LGBT community, ages 13-18 and maybe older depending on how old they are. Basically I want teens who are lgbt or straight to have a safe heaven and speak about sexuality, get questions answered, learn about the community, and bring awareness about HIV/AIDS. I also have 2 speakers ready and waiting. One of them is my good friend Ryan (not ryan field) and a representative from Equality Florida. Doing this club will be an historic event for the library system and Jacksonville because an LGBT club has never been done before. Once I get a date I will go from there. But for right now I have to sit and wait and see who else I can bring in.

Thursday I had to bring my dad in to the hospital. He had this weird bubble on his leg that kind of looked like a big pimple and his stomach looked very bloaty. And ontop of that, his breathing was not good at all. So we brought him in and waited until he got in and then we left. Heard from him the next day and he said that he has congested heart failure again. Im not too worried about it since hes been in and out of the hospital since I was born so I am use to it. Its kind of strange thinking that if he died tomorrow ide be ok with it. hmm...

Friday I went to go see watchmen with my brother and his friends. The movie was pretty cool despite the fact that everyone else thought it was shitty expect for the sex scenes...breeders (oops poopage alert). Then all of a sudden my brother lights up a blunt and tells me if I want a hit. It was a cigar and I was use to having one once in awhile, usually I have it with cognac but this time I just wanted to enjoy it. After a couple of hits I felt funny and had abit of a headache (which has never happened to me before) and asked him what the hell it was. He told me flat out it was pot. I about slapped him upside his head and kicked his ass but the damn thing just made me feel all calm and mellow...shit. He was really lucky cuz if I wasn't having side effects I would have punched him out.

Well thats pretty much been my week. Not too eventful huh. Right now I am just going to sit back, write a couple of pages for my book, daydream about love, and trying to enjoy my sundry because tomorrow is work n school.

Later people,
Angel

Teeter Totter Teeter Totter

2009-03-02T07:31:00.000-08:00

I GOT THE MONEY FOR MY GED TEST WHOOHOO! I am so excited you just have no idea. My teacher told me today and I about flipped out. I really love this teacher alot and call her my lil buddy, she likes it. Funny thing though is that I came out to her. She was surprised because she didn't even know (how weird). Then I find out she is a miniter so first thing in my mind pops up like," Oh shit. Now shes going to preach to me and be all judgemental and condemn me." But you know what, she didn't. Well she did preach a little bit but it was about 95 percent positive, the other 5 percent I just wont talk about unless you guys want me to. Basically she accepted me with open arms and said she loves me and so does god. I felt all warm and tingly and almost lost my fearie dust hehe. Nice to know when someone says they love you for you and not love half of you...like my mother and father.

By the way my mother is still on this big crusade to save my soul...from what I don't know. Hell, god doesnt say in the bible where I can stick my dick (oops, there a lil bit of poopage). In anycase I just still remember what she said to me when Michael (my ex fiance who was murdered) died. She told me, verbatim," I am glad hes dead. God took him away from you because it was never meant to be. You are never meant to be with a man and god will continue to take them away from you until you learn." This was my own mother, the women who spent hours pushing me out her hoohah, telling me that she was happy he was dead. I called her a cold harded bitch and told her to go to hell. I was this close to leaving them all and go live out on the street. And this was all after me getting out of Rehab because I had a meltdown. Thanks mom for making me want to disown you. Even after the fact that she will never love that side of me thats gay. Half love itsnt love at all. Its picking and choosing which parts you like and rolling your eyes at the rest. Oh and I have told my parents I am gay. I never told my brother but I am guessing he already knows since he now lives at home and hear me and my mother bicker on the topic of me being gay or how she calls it," My phase because I am not letting god into my heart." Sigh...

Sometimes I feel like leaving home and live on the streets. Im am so waiting to go to college so I dont see my family. Im hurting inside so much I try to hide it with a smile. I haven't even told anyone this but my doctor told me flat out that I should not work because I have to get better. So now I apply for social security and they deny me, even when my doctor said I shouldn't work. So now I got a lawyer whos gonna do what they can so I can make money one way or another. In anycase I just want to get a lawyer and get out of this mess. Because if god willing, I need to get the hell away from my family. Ugh...

So in about 20 mins I brought my happyness down to a low, good going Angel. And I really hate hiding how I feel on the outside. I don't know. Maybe I will run away but will that be becoming a coward and running away from my fears. I don't know but right now I just feel like getting away from this hellhole will help me. I don't know.

I hope I get through my day. I took some pictures of me n my new outfit and I will try to post them soon. Ive just been so busy last week and exhausted I just havent had the time. But in anycase to my situation I will have to try and find a way to deal with the situation.

Later Cadets

Good Morning Starshine, The Earth Says Hello!

2009-02-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Before I start I wanted to say thank you to the people who have posted on my last post. I don't usually get alot of people commenting on my posts and seeing when people do really brightens my day. I'm a sucker for good comments ^_^.

Heyo people,

I woke up very happy this morning as you can see from the title of this post, heh. Yesterday for me was a very very long day. So long I thought I would have never made it! So lets have a little run down of my day. Monday night I never went to bed at all. I was tossin, and turning, and movin to the groovin...ok not the groovin part but you get where I'm coming from. My little baby cat was passed out and in her sleep was tapping on my head, I guess she was doing a musical number in her head...who knows? So I was not able to go to sleep and I had to be in school at 8AM...sigh. So at 630 I had to push myself off the bed because my mind was saying hells no. Got up, got dressed and did the whole morning routine. Got to school and actually made it through the morning. I was so proud of myself you just don't know it. Ooh, let me tell you about what I saw in the computer lab while I waited for my ride to pick me up.

In high school (like the 9th or grade or something) I had a crush on this boy named Ryan (no not the two Ryans I have linked on here). He was about 5'8, soft dark brown hair, and the most beautiful blue eyes god could have given him. Also he had a very sexy smile and a nice ass but whose looking (points at self). Anywho I was in the computer lab when I turned to my right to look outside the window into the other computer lab and there he was. More grown up and sexy as ever. I could have stared at him all day in a very gawker like attitude. For some reason I have an affinity for guys who can wear a shit and jeans and it looks sexy on them, and I don't discriminate. I must have stared at him for about 10 minutes before his gaze turned toward mine. I was literally in shock like a deer caught in headlights. He turned back to what he was doing as if he didn't know who I was. If I psychic or something I would have whispered into his mine to come n get me and ravage me infront of everyone...but thats just lil ole me hehe.

Spoke to ryan (from boys are ugly but so cute) and I was very happy to hear he is feeling alot better and has been back at work since Monday. I felt really bad for Ryan and almost got up and made my way to his place to be his little nurse...even though he had Kadin and his mother. So I decided not to since he was being attended to. Honestly, sometimes I feel like taking care of people I care about alot. Like if my mama Laurie got sick and she was alone and no one to care for her, I would get my ass over there and nurse her back to health (if I could). Thats just the caring side of me that doesn't want to loose people whom I hold dear to me.

Moving on to work...wait wait lets back that up abit. I got picked up by my daddyo (thats his nickname I gave him, he likes it :) ) and he told me we had to pick up my brother because he was late for work. My brother, during class, left a message on my phone saying," You forgot to put my clothes in the washer, now I'm gunna be late for work." I just rolled my eyes because I never intended to put his clothes in there anyhow. Instead of getting stoned out of your face little brother (which hes like 25) you could have done your responsibility and done it earlier since you were off Sunday and Monday! My dad told me it wasn't my fault since it was his responsibility, not mine. Sometimes I just love my daddyo more then ever when he agrees with me, even though he is very stubborn.

We got home and my brother wasn't even ready, he was like 4 hours late to work. So I decided to make myself some eggs with cheese and make a fresh pot of coffee since I was feeling the sleep creeping up on me. So I had my coffee and my eggs ate on the way to work...the eggs were sooo GOOD, YUM! Got to work very chipper with fresh brewed (Bustello: Spanish Coffee) coffee in me. I was ready to start getting to work when I forgot that today was background check day. I was kind of leery about it because I don't really like background checks but what do I have to hide, nothing at all. So I did that and made my way to start working which was pretty boring but nevertheless, its work. I got off around 4 ish and made my way to this new program that the library was having called "Poetry n More". I was kind of shocked when I got there and noticed I was the oldest one there besides the librarian who was coordinating the club, jinkies!

So the program was abit boring and it was basically a hangout for teens (12-18) to enjoy themselves with games, singing, and poetry. I decided to walk up to this one girl who looked really bored and very anti-social. I wanted to see if I could get her to write me a poem or haiku. She told me that she stopped writing about 3 years ago. I asked her why and she didn't say. It kind of put a pain in my heart to hear someone say that but it also reminded me about one time where I didn't write for a whole year, only because I had forgot about it. So I asked her if she could and she said ok. She never did and started playing a couple of games with the other teens. Atleast I think I provoked her to get up and enjoy herself. Letting her know that she has been seen and that people know shes there. I felt mighty good about it.

Then this girl came in who did an improv dance to some rock music (she could have done better but I clapped anyhow). Then I decided to open my big mouth and say I was going to sing. I did an improv version of a song I thought up in my head which actually came out really awesome. Got a big applause from everyone and even had a couple of kids telling me I should try out for American Idol, which I previous did back in 08. Even the librarian lady that coordinates the clubs (shes a good friend of mine and I work with her) said she was impressed at my hidden talent and said she would like to see more of what I can do. Feeling good, oh hell yes.

I called my daddyo to come n pick em up from work and he said he would get here in 20 mins or so. So I decided to sit down at one of the library desks and get on the internet. About 15 mins on the computer someone gets really close to my ear and says," Wow, you smell good." I also yipped until I turned around and noticed it was my mom, sneaky sneaky. So we drove home and I brought some groceries they had bought and put them away. By that time I was SOO DAMN SLEEPY. My head hit the pillow at 6pm and I was out for the count. That about ends my day yesterday. What a very eventful day!

Cheers to a happy morning,
Your lil angel

The Fustrated N The Bitchy

2009-02-23T01:38:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps!

Well I decided to go to a tech support forums *free of charge* and spoke to someone about my problem. The guy told me what to do and the computer turned on *YaY!*...for about 3-5 mins *NO!*. The guy thinks it may be the power supply since the power supply for that computer is weak known to fail after a few years. Another guy says it could be the graphics card but I don't think thats what it is. I'm not really frustrated any more about my computer. More or less I am just waiting to hear from the guy and find a way to fix the damn thing so I can use it. Its alot more faster then the one im using now and it has a dvd drive and burning technology for both dvd & cdr/rw *Woot woot*. hehe. Thanks for my little lady for trying.

Ok onward to my weekend. Friday I didnt do anything, at all. OH but we did have pizza, that was my highlight for that day (yeah, lame I know). Saturday was a big snore, slept most of the day. Sunday I woke up around 9 in the morning. I really had to look at my clock because I was sleepy as shit. Then my friend tasha called and I spoke to her. She wanted to know if I could go with her and her boyfriend (row row as I call him) to the flea market. I was like ok, im good. She said she would pick me up around 2ish. Well stupid me, I went to go drain my keebler and went back into my room to check my email, suddenly falling asleep after I checked it. I woke up with the computer on and hugging the the keyboard LOL. The only reason why I woke up is because I heard knocking at the front door and my phone going off.

My brother says shes at the door knocking as my phone stops ringing and I walk out of my room with nothing but my fitted sheet because well, I like to walk around the house naked and the fitted sheet is just a convenience for my folks (their not nakey people like me). I tell him why he didn't open the door for her and he said he didn't know. He was being lazy and an ass of course since he was playing his world of warcraft game... grr. Anywho I look outside and noones there so I sit on the couch and call her up. She says she was knocking on my door for 15 minutes (she over-exaggerates)when she only was knocking for about 3 mins tops. I totally forgot about going to the flea market, my mind a blur. I told her I was sorry, I passed out. She goes on to saying that she had to pee really bad and decided to go to the gas station that is up the road. She then tells me that if I want to go hang with her my brother has to drop me off at the gas station. I asked her why she can't turn around and she said because her boyfriend said no.

At this point she slapped me in the face, yet again about her damn boyfriend telling her what to do and her following it. This girl seriously needs to get beyond that shit because its annoying as hell. Ive known her soo much longer then the little skinny Brazilian boy. Hell, shes even older then him by 5 years! Ugh, anyway I told her I would see if my brother would bring me. She said whatever and hung up. At this point I basically wanted to go through the phone and slap her on the head. Oh and punch her boyfriend in the face for being a controlling bastard. Anywho I told my brother and he said yes. It look me 5 minutes to pry him off the computer...maybe more. Then he went to the bathroom to go take a shit! Ugh... I know its my fault for forgetting but the girl could have waited 5 minutes for me to get dressed or waited alittle longer for me to open the damn door! Gah!

Anyway I called her back, already dressed and she said that her boyfriend said that she could pick me up. Again another slap and me at the point of wanting to kick her in the shins and beat her boyfriend senseless. I mean its HER CAR and her parents pay for the damn gas. Shes so damned spoiled that the only thing she pays for (sometimes) is her cigarettes. Wish I had parents who spoiled me... Everything I buy that I need I usually have to do their laundry or something they don't want to do to earn the money. Or I earn it another way by doing surveys and shit.

Anywho she picks me up and I say hi and then don't speak to her all the way there. We have small talk though but thats about it because I was pissed and I was trying to be cool about it. It was about 50 cents to get into the flea market which was ok because I had that. Why she couldn't pay it since she invited me I don't know but whatever. Atleast I had the change. We get there and walk around and look at everything. Then when we split up from her boyfriend and we have alone time she start apologizing for the way she reacted, not for the boyfriend part just being snooty on the phone to me. I am still mad so I say whatever, forget about it. She drops me off home and I still feel like kicking and punching. But of course I never did because I dont condone violence unless its to defend myself or others I know and love.

Heres to starting the week off frustrated and bitchy on a Monday morning.

My Emachine T3062 is Tweaking

2009-02-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

Ok this one is more of a hardware question. If ryan or laurie can link this post to their blog I would definitely appreciate it. I was wondering if anyone can help me out with my current situations. I have an eMachines T3062 AMD Athlon XP 3000+ / 2GB DDR / 160GB HDD / DVD±RW Dual-Layer / Flash Media Reader / NVIDIA GeForce 4 MX / 10/100Mbps LAN / Windows XP Pro SP3 and I am having trouble with it. It seems that whenever I turn the computer on it begins to load on the windows xp screen and then the computer freezes, the screen going blank. I hear this low beep (one beep) which basically tells me my computer is frozen. I try turning it on and off a couple of times but and it does the same thing. Sometimes the screen will load and then it will freeze and turn off. My monitor (ViewSonic A95f) light will go from green to blinking like the computer is turned off. I took my computer to Comp USA and they told me nothing was wrong with it. They even showed me that it worked just fine but it did the same thing there just once unlike at home where it did it repeatedly. I don't know if its the power supply on my computer or the power running through our home but the computer was working great for a couple of years. I just dont understand why this is happening and I want to know what I can do to fix this.

Thanks to anyone that can help.

The Very Frustrated Lil Angel

Everyone, meet the lil demon

2009-02-20T06:12:00.000-08:00

Ok this morning I woke up really pissed off. I know the reasons why are abit stupid but in some ways to me, their not. Maybe they would seem kinda winey, oh well sue me. All I can say is my mother took a couple of things away from me that I had bought or looked for for everyone in the family and now I can't even access them. IM super pissed off and this close to starting a bit of my own poopage toward both of my parents but I know its disrespectful but isnt it disrespectful what they have done. I don't want to go into detail but just to say I am super pissed off and I hope I can get over it soon or I am going to be a real bitch this morning. Maybe when I talk to ryan or laurie today I will calm down. They seem to do that to me when I feel like shit or if I am not in a good mood.

no angel this morning, only the lil demon.

heres to an angel letting you know that my horns are holding up that halo today.

Say Hi To Mr. Toilet

2009-02-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

I had to learn this the hard way last night. Last night I went to the Un-Valentines day party which actually turned out to be just a gathering of friends. It was Melissa (the hostess for the evening), kim (my good friend), crystal (her sister who is also a good friend), travis (the hunky gay friend of Melissa), and me. Ok now I am betting that you guys are like, whos the hunk? Well this was the first time I met him and I must say that I was impressed on his looks and on how he talks. Personality wise hes ok, hes not a 10 in that category. On looks I thought he was hot. Then he started saying how he needs to loose weight and I told him to his face," Boy, you dont need to loose weight. Your are hot as you are." I wish I would have said I wanted a kiss from him but he then started showing pictures of his boyfriend and started saying that he is kind of shallow and only likes twinks... sigh. Sometimes I just think really good looking people past me by because they want something materialistic. I know you can be hot and sexy but atleast open your eyes. I don't discriminate and I know I would make one helluva boyfriend...just I dont make alot of money. I blame the media for brainwashing america into thinking whats hot and whats not. Thank you advertising assholes.

Ok moving on with my night, Travis left and we got to drinking. I had maybe about 8 smirnoffs to start. I felt fine and was not buzzed at all. We were all talking away about alot of differnt things. Then came the Lite Rum & Coke. I had about two cups full of that and I was not buzzing but just dizzy. I got up to go to the restroom because we were all going to be leaving (it was like 3 in the morning) and I was very very wobbly. At this point I knew I was drunk. I wobbled to the toilet
and I dont remember what happened I just remember I was at the sink and kim was laughing. I asked her what happened and she said I threw up. Now let me just inform you guys I may be 21 but even trying to get plastered I have never ever threw up. Ive gotten a good buzz going but never thrown up drunk. I blame me not eating anything that day. Good job Angel.

Anywho on the ride home me and kim are talking away like good drunk people do sometimes. I noticed that I am a very happy drunk, which is good. So we were talking and kim started kissing me. At this point I was so buzzed out of my mind that I didn't care and just enjoyed the moment even though I dont feel anything towards her. Anywho I get home and me and kim are laughing away at the door when my dad opens the door and notices that I am drunk so my dad starting laughing to. I get in go to my room and take off all my clothes. I think I may have walked naked back n forth to the bathroom but I dont think anyone saw me. Went to my room and decided I would sleep but that didnt work so I put a bed sheet over me because I like being naked when I am at home. Its just a thing with me, ryan knows what im talking about. Anywho my dad is on Yahoo chat speaking to a couple of girls and I was bored so I started talking to this girl who lives in New Zealand. She sounded cute and I saw her on her webcam and thought she was cute. Anywho I know it is mean to do things to people but I have never rapped to a girl in my life, or a guy for that matter. I don't know if its being shy or whatever but thats not the subject. I just tell her how pretty she is and what not and we start a conversation. To put it short, I got up when I was done talking with her and went to my room and I slept like a baby.

Woke up and talked to my parents. I even talked to them again about me being gay. They hate hearing about it but I talk about me being gay because they seem to forget im gay. I guess its a repressing thing, I dont know. Anyway I decide to CUT MY HAIR! So I take some sissors and cut away until I had a style that was short but a little bit long. My hair doesn't fall on my shoulders anymore and I am kinda liking it. In anycase I have a new haircut that I did myself which came out great, and I will drink but drink responsibly and NOT MIX DRINKS!. Oh and eat first before you drink.

If any of you know my myspace I will be uploading the pictures of my new haircut so I can show everyone.

Later gator.

Pillow Talk

2009-02-11T09:37:00.000-08:00

Hello people,

Its been a long couple of day for me so let me fill ya in on whats been going down. Friday I went out with my (so called) friend Kim. I like this girl alot and consider her a friend but I guess shes always busy and lazy at calling people back *shrugs*. In anycase we went out and we went to a karaoke bar out by Jaxport (way out on the westside). It was a nice small bar with friendly people so that was cool. They had food there because it was some guys birthday which we all sung happy birthday to the guy, hes turned 51. Saw a cute guy come in with this girl who looked very grungy. Met Kim's other friends Samson and Melissa. Samson is actually a gay fillapino. Hes cute but he is so not my type just for the fact that he seems stuck up and shallow. I really hate people like that. He may be older then me but there no need to act that way.

Anywho I sung about 8 or 9 songs, I dont remember. Had about 8 or 9 beers... which I wont do again. I really dont like drinking beer unless its like a malt. In anycase my favorite drinks are rum & coke and 7/7. Yes, I do love my liquor. I also love my wine heh. Moving on, I didnt get a chance to go to school monday because I was just way too damn tired and to get up all thanks to my insomnia. Since ive met my new doctor im on a new medication for my depression (anxiety), and insomnia. I feel kinda lightheaded right now so thank god im not driving. Hopefully when I get use to the drugs I will feel better.

Oh, listen to this. Kim's friend Melissa invited me and Kim to an Anti-Valentines Day Party. Im excited about this because for the last couple of years ive been alone during valentines day and its actually quite depressing so I am happy that I will be around people, probably drinking who knows. Atleast I wont be alone.

I haven't heard from Ryan lately which is kind of bugging me. I know hes been sick but I just hope hes getting better. Sometimes I really hate long distance relationships because hes just such a good friend I would want to take care of him while Kadin's away working. Kinda like a babysitter lol. Also Ryan recommened me talking to Ryan Field about writing since im almost done with my book. Haven't heard from the guy in awhile so I don't know. Anywho I am going to get ready for work...sigh. These new pills are making me sleepy.

Peace and afrogreese!

Angel

P.S. Can't wait to talk to you again my little lady! ^_^

No Problems Today

2009-02-05T06:49:00.000-08:00

as mornings go, this morning has been good. The other day I had a pretty good day at school. My teacher told me about a program that if you write a paragraph, they can pay for your GED. I think its some sort of scholarship or something I am not sure. Afterward, I spoke with Ryan which I was really happy to talk to. It seems that when I talk to someone I really like it perks up my day which is good.

Anywho at work (yesterday) I enjoyed myself a little bit. Its nice when some of the workers open up more and speak to me. I know I'm still a newbie there but atleast some people are opening up to me. Also the lady I told you guys about who seems like a bitch, well she is actually kind of nice if you take the time to get to know her. Oh and the black thing on her lip, I saw old pictures of her and she has it so I guess its a blemish or something. I would rather stay away from her and just do my job and leave. Now my boss who I think is a lesbian I noticed that she is abit anti-social. Its kind of strange because as a librarian your always talking with people but she seems super shy and very very anti-social. I just feel like I should talk to her more or do something but I don't like to intrude on other peoples lives unless I believe I should. In anycase, I am definitely going to try to talk to her, have her open up. I did get her to smile abit, which perked me up lol. I'm pretty easy to appease lol.

holy hellio batman, one of my old friends just called me! She asked me if I was interested in going to go do Karaoke. I was just caught off guard because I hadn't heard from her since October 31st when I went to her Halloween party. Shes says its going to be her and her friends and me. I'm abit flustered because I haven't seen or heard from her in months and I just feel like she needs me when she needs me. I don't know... but she hasn't been an ass to me or anything so I guess I shouldn't give up on her. Hell, its a free night to go out and enjoy myself, why not!

Today I am going to go to meet my new doctor (heard hes a looker...yum) since now I have medical insurance, yay. Right now I'm gunna snack on the new quake rice cake snakes (50 cal a bag) cheesy crunch. Yummy in my tummy.

Later bloggers and bloggettes!

The Devil Wears Wallmart

2009-01-31T22:13:00.000-08:00

my brother. Ok ok I know its mean and everything but let me explain. My brother and I have had a very rocky relationship. Ever since I was young and even till today. My brother is what you would call the devil, on a nice day. On other days when hes not nice and actually quite cruel. Not physically (these days) but more verbal with how he feels about me and where I stand. Maybe I should start about my life with my brother.

When I was about a year old he tried to suffocate me to death with a pillow. Thank god my dad got home in time or I would have been in the hospital. Afterward he has always terrorized me in physical ways and verbal. In truth, he has physically and mentally abused me since I was young. Either to the point where I am running down the street crying in my underwear trying to get away from him or my head going through a wall. Or him slapping me, punching me, and other things. Then the name calling and making me feel like I am dirt these are the things I have had to deal with. With him and how school was hell for me, you can see how I was just up for a breakdown which happened when I was 13 all thanks to hormones, yippee.

Anywho from the physical and mental attack from my brother ever since I was a wee lad. The beatings I got from my dad when I did something wrong (which I still think his method of punishment was wrong). I mean having to go to school and lie because my legs were bruised up is not a good sign but my father was old school, he felt the way to punish a kid was either a time out, or a beating with the belt. I think it did help in some way but I would never beat my kids (if I have them), it instills fear into them and that's not healthy for any kid. So here I am stuck with the asshole that is my brother. He doesn't understand why I resent him so much and why I don't like him or love him in any way. Truth of the matter is, if he died tomorrow I wouldn't cry a damn tear because hes used up too many of them already. My parents always told me that if they didn't see it they couldn't do anything about it. But when they did see it they just punished him and didn't really help me. Its probably the reason why I am so shy and somewhat anti-social (at times) because of my past. Then I told my parents about everything (again) and they cried saying they didn't know and that if they could take my pain away they would but I find this to be bs. Because I told them when it happened and they did nothing. Not all parents may be the best but atleast they try hard like mine did. Never the less, they already proved to me to be good parents and that's all I could ask for.

Now that he is moving back in because he couldn't keep his apartment I feel like my room will be the best place to stay. Go to college, get a degree, and leave this damn place I try to call home. I love my parents for teaching me right and I don't think I could ever hate them for what happened. But my brother is someone I will never love, never like, and always resent. Kinda funny when my mother said that we had to respect each other and had to get along if we wanted to live in her house. I told her flat out," Well, he doesn't deserve my respect or anything else so the best thing he can do is avoid me because im not taking any of his shit. I was scared when I was younger but my balls dropped long ago and now is a different story." My dad of course said I shouldn't talk to her that way but sometimes with my mother, you have to be blunt in order to get through with her. Shes abit thickheaded but I still love her.

Anywho my leg has been bothering me for the past 2 days and Ive been limping, don't know what the fuck that problem is. Can't wait to meet my new doctor on the 5th. Friend recommended him to me and said he was a no bullshit doctor. Just the type of man I need, blunt and to the point. Hurrah.

In anycase I think I came out to be an awesome person. And that's as much as I can say for myself. I may not have a paying job but I'm going somewhere. So here returns the devil (my brother)... and not in prada.

Later my little typers.

I think way too damn much

2009-01-29T01:56:00.000-08:00

Before I start off my blog I really wanted to ask *anyone* who is reading this to please pray for Ryans Grandma who recently passed away. If you guys want to go to his blog A Guy In Love and leave your prayers there if you would like them to be read. Even light a candle and make sure you let it run until it stops. Thats what I did when I heard that his grandma passed. Please pray for ryan and his family.

Now onto my journel entry.

You know when you have those days that you just think way too damn much, well today was my day. I am again reminesing about my future and where the hell it is going. I know I shouldnt seeing as I should just go with the flow but there are soo many things I want to do and I just feel like I am wasting my time not being able to do these things. Like find people to jam with (musically) and make some damn music! Ive always been told I have a very unique voice for a guy (probably because I don't sound like a dude when I am singing) or whatever but I just have a very unique voice. Its just really hard to find people to jam with because most of the people I meet want to be the next rolling stone and they think that it will happen tomarrow and most people dont understand that everything takes time and luck. You can call it star struck I just call it ignorance. Some people just forget what its like to just make music because you love it. My voice in itself is very flexible. I can do anything from rock, pop, and soul. You can say my voice sounds alot like a mixture of Anastacia and Adele.

Writing my book has been slow. Just lately everything seems slow. I don't seem to be getting anywhere in the love department, do I smell or something? Maybe I am not attractive or I look scary... I don't know. In any case I just feel that its going to be awhile for anyone to have the balls and say hi to me. Maybe its me givign off the wrong vibe. I don't know. Maybe guys are just intimidated by my awesomeness lol.

School right now is kinda slow. I really need to take my GED but with the way things are going financially, im just gunna have to wait. Shelving out 70 bucks for something is rather isidious but you gotta do what you gotta do. And then there college. Im really looking into possibly going to the University of Tampa because thats where they have the masters program for library science. And plus its Tampa, ive never been to Tampa. They have another school in Tallahasse but I don't really like being too far away from the beach, ive always loved the water.

Sometimes when I think way too damn much, its the thinking that gets me through the rough.

Love, peace, and plenty of kisses.

The Wondering Mind Of Mr. Me

2009-01-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

This is probably the longest f&cking post I have every done! So be diligent and read on. lol (exactly 1141 words!)

Not so very much an eventful due to the fact that I felt like shit most of the morning. When I woke up this morning my dad told me he saw the poem I had wrote. I was like, what poem? He pulled out a paper I had forgot to put in my book bag when I left school. It was of my blog entry I did for Jan 9Th, the "Not So Here" entry. I had basically printed it out and did a watermark in the background, and edited it abit just to make it look nice because I wanted to keep it. Anyway he started telling me that him and my mom were trying not to cry because the poem was so damn good. Whats funny is that I was never going for a poem on Jan 9Th but in the end, it came out poetically how I felt. Which was cool cuz I wanted to hang it save it but didn't think my parents would get to it. Anywho my dad told me flat out that he wants me to know that he loves me no if ands or buts. I almost started crying because I woke up feeling like shit and having this talk just got me abit emotional. Then my mom started going on and on about how she felt and how she will always love me even if I am gay but she still wont accept that side to me. Halfsies for her. In any case they both stated that I should not feel alone because they love me. Yay for halfsies but its good enough, atleast for me.

Anywho so I decided on watching one of the movies I picked up at the library. When you don't have any money and you want some form of entertainment, your local library is your best bet. The library I volunteer at actually rents out DVDs and has a pretty good selection, even some movies just came out on DVD. By the way since I am talking about the library I might as well spill alittle library gossip. I don't know if I said this in the last post but last week when I was at the library volunteering I heard something outright funny. This guy who works there was talking to another librarian about going to this bar/club called "Bo's Coral Reef" and said he was going there to pick up chicks. R I G H T! Everyone who knows about the different clubs in Jacksonville knows that Bo's is a gay club, hands down. Why would a straight man be going to Bo's to pick up girls when he would have a better selection at a gay bar. Now I'm not ragging on him for this I just thought it was funny he picked that place out of the many other places he could have gone but oh well. I just smiled and tried not to laugh or say anything. Then I heard the other librarian say she was going also.

Now I don't like to judge people but the first time I met this girl she was either very very shy and liked to look like a boy or she was gay. Id be happy if everyone would just confess and we could all break the ice lol. But Ive got my eye on two people at the library who may or may not be gay or bi to say the least. Kinda cool that I was able to spot them. Because conversation there is a bitch.

Oh! And also yesterday when I was checking out my DVDs there was one DVD I couldn't check out because it had holds on it. So I went in line and waited for the next teller when this other librarian women asked why I was in line when I had already checked out my DVDs. This lady, in my opinion, is either a real bitch or I don't know what. The reason why I say this is because every time she talks to me its like shes talking down on me, like shes better then me or something. I can read people very easy, its been something Ive been able to do since I was young. I don't know if she is lonely or bitter but she just screams bitch. At one time I was talking to another librarian about a career path as a librarian. Meanie was checking out my books when she stopped and turned to the librarian and gave her a mean look like "go back to work" when the librarian was only answering my damn question. I felt like snapping my finger at her saying," Hey, if you wanna give someone the stink eye give it to me because I asked a damn question." But I am not rude like that unless someone is being a complete assholes... then my big mouth opens lol.

Anyway the best thing I can do for her is just be nice and try different ways to cheer her up. Ive heard her singing and humming to herself a couple of times so maybe shes just bitter... I don't know. I feel like asking her what the hell is wrong with her but its none of my business. She even has this really nasty mark on her lower lip that looks like a bruise *its been there for about 2 or 3 months*. So maybe somethings going on at home... I don't know. I just feel I should talk to her but I don't think that will work since I am an unpaid volunteer and shes a librarian. In that place its like child speaking to an adult, atleast that's the vibe I get from her. Thank god I'm not like the other staff members who are scared of her. And thank god I'm not afraid of anything...OK that's a lie but I'm only human.

Moving on, halfway done with the movie, ideas for future books started pouring through my head like water. I ran and got a pen and paper to write them down. Got like 15 ideas which is great lol. I haven't wrote anything in awhile but sooner or later I will get back to writing my book. I did tell you I was writing a book? Yup, Ive got like 13 chapters done (I have like 64,000 words down so far). In anycase I am really enjoying the process and taking it slow since this is my first book. Anywho that's about it right now. Oh damn I forgot the movie I was watching is not really a movie its actually a TV show "Firefly". I'm a big fan of Joss Wheadons work.

Later Peeps,
Angel

I think my dick fell off.

2009-01-21T07:51:00.000-08:00

ok not really but last night it felt like it. None of you really know this but I actually sleep in the nude. I also sleep with the fan on whether its cold or not, im usually always warm. I just find it more comfortible for me to sleep that way. Last night was one of the coldest nights I have ever had since moving to Jacksonville. I am originally from New York and I have never experienced the cold like this before. I literally had to put clothes on which was something I havent done in almost 8 years.

Anyway I woke up this morning very groggy since last night I had only about 4 hours of sleep, thanks to my brain wanting to read. Got dressed and had breakfest as usual. Although this morning I wanted a hot breakfest but when you dont have the doe to buy the necessities, you kinda have to take what you got. In anycase it was soo cold this morning I decided to wear pants underneath my pants. Thank god I did. Plus I found my dad's old leather coat in the closet and snagged it since he forgets he has it.

Got to school and come to find out that my teacher isn't teaching her normal class but a workshop... yeah. So im sitting there and she was discussing the Pagortheum Theoreum or whatever they call it. I new of the formula but alot of people were stumped on it. I had just walked into the door and sat down when she asked what the problem was. I told her outright and people gave me dirty looks. I looked at them and said," What, I suck at math be happy that I got it right in the first place." I got laughters out of alot of people. Which pretty much made my morning.

I then told my teacher I had to go to the carrer development center because I wanted to speak to an advisor about my possible career paths. She told me I could go. I think she was impressed with me just walking in and sitting down and answering the question quick. Made me feel like the smartest one in class when really I suck at math.

So I go down to the career development building and I come to find out that they are closed until noon, double shit. My class finishes at 12. So I decided I would rather skip class for today even though I was present. My teacher doesn't mind if I come in and leave if I have to. Anyway, I am too tired to start figuring out math problems.

So here I am just typing away on my blog and speaking to my good friend ryan while im hearing this guy behind me, working on another computer snoring away. I tried not to laugh until he started talking again to some program. I think it was some sort of english learning program. Anywho he goes back to speaking into the mic when he falls asleep again, and then I feel like a complete asshole. Because he does the same thing like 10 times. I think he has what they call narcolepsy... I think thats what you call it. When you fall asleep randomly. So I felt bad for the guy. Theres one way to make and break your day. Yay me.

Going to work after school. Peace People!

Martin Luther King Day

2009-01-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

I just figured I would post today since this is one of the most important holidays, in my opinion. Now more or less you guys already know I am Puerto Rican. What you don't know is that I am like 40 percent Puerto Rican and the rest is a mixture of (pure blooded) Taieno Indian, French, Sicilian (Italian), Spanian, German, Irish, English, African, Portuguese, and Cuban. Some people would consider me a (mutt) breed but I love every bit and peace of my background and my many denominations. This is why I love Martin Luther King Day.

Because what most people these days seem to forget is that he not only fought for the African American community but for everyone of color including the Hispanics. Now it kinda pisses me off when I do see people say that MLK is just for African American rights and they almost always exclude that he also was for the Hispanic community. I don't know if this is another race issue or whatever, I just believe that when people have Hispanic month, that we remember MLK for his achievements. Just ask any if they knew that MLK was also fighting for the Latino Community and see what response you get. Ive done this in my school and about 3 out of 20 people knew that MLK fought for everyone of color. I don't know if its the miss-communication of history or people trying to bend the truth to their own cause but sometimes I just think that honesty is pure when its best left as the truth. In anycase, I just believe we should all have a more understanding that Martin Luther King was the voice of millions of people of color whether Hispanic or not.

Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Jesus Take The Wheel

2009-01-18T00:56:00.000-08:00

In life, sometimes you just gotta let god take the wheel on your life. For some of you who arent catholic you can understand where I am coming from. Lately for me everything just seems to have its ups and downs but then again, I guess thats life. Like with the whole college thing looming above my head and all I can do is try not to think when its evil college head just pops up and im back to thinking about it again... wow that was a run on sentence. Anywho, I believe the one thing I should believe about finding is JOB SECURITY! Because I personally believe how the economy is and how things are going, having a career or job in something is a good idea. Especially since Librarians are going to be around for a long time...unless the libraries go fully computer. Well... I don't know. As of right now I am trying to figure out what the hell I want to do, just as long is it has job security. Everything else I can do as a hobby but just as long as I stick to it.

Anywho, theres a possibility that I will be heading to Daytona on Feb 15 to meet my good friend ryan whom I have yet to have met in person. I know it sounds crazy but I really look up to the boy. Hes the first person I have met my age who is mature beyond his years (kinda like me). Reading his blog (when he and mikey were first together) gave me courage to life for once in my life instead of putting my life in a box and shelving it for later. And he has showed me that even though I have curves and I don't look like those GQ, athletic guys, that I am beautiful inside and out.

Thanks and Love,
Angel

Some Paths Are Just Confusing

2009-01-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, today was not the best day for me. Not for the fact that I couldn't make it for my volunteer duties but just for the fact that my brain is decided to think too much. What I am trying to say is what if I got my GED? Do I go to school for my masters in librarian science just to have a backup plan or do I go to school for something I love. Like writing and singing. But do I pursue a path in the creative writing field or singing field just because they are the two things I love or do I stay safe and get a degree in a field where I can work and do the last two as hobbies. I just don't know anymore.

Research more about the curriculum of librarian science Ive come to the understanding that the position is confusing to me. Im getting alot of different ideas of the position so maybe I should just ask my library friend who recently got her degree. Or maybe I should go to an advisor and see about a possible career path. Because as of right now I am not even sure if I want to be a librarian. Would you pick a career just to be safe. Or would you do something that is your passion and not really have a career if that's where your passion leads you.

Some paths are just confusing.

GED Here I come

2009-01-12T08:58:00.001-08:00

Just a quick post. Just got done with my first class for the new semester and I am happy like a 3 year old receiving his first lollypop. I did the last assesment before I am able to go do the GED Test so I can get my GED and get to college. I needed atleast 2250 min/ 2750 max pts in order to pass the GED. Well, on the assesment I scored 2610 which is higher then I thought I would score. I AM SOO EXCITED! Ive been doing the GEd program for about 3 years now and a couple of months ago I found out about this class I never knew existed (the one im in now). Now that I know how I am going to score on the GED, I am happy to say that I may just be on my way to college alot sooner then I thought.

GED, here I come lol

Pulling Back From What I Shouldn't

2009-01-11T00:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a rather unsuccessful night. With my friend and her boyfriend all over each other and another friend of ours just bored shitless I decided on checking out a gay bar I had never been to, 616. Now my main reason for going here was because I wanted to check it out. Ive always been interested in any kind of man because I don't discriminate against age or appearance. And this bar was full of gorgeous older men and other men. My friends told me that they all felt like we were the youngest here...which it looked that way. But what keeps me from persueing anything is this utterly, helluva thing I have called being shy. I don't know if I have a fear of rejection since most of my life I have felt rejected whether it was at school or at home. I don't know if I have something psychologically wrong with me or what not but its like extremely hard for me to go up to a guy and say hi. But, when a guy comes up to me and strikes up a conversation I studder and after a time if he stays theirs a conversation. Because im only shy at first and afterward, im like a motor mouth with humor bits. The bar itself was super small but a nice atmosphere I just felt really bored after awhile. What kind of shocked me was that they had porn on the TV's outside on the patio. I have never been to a club that actually shows gay porn (not softcore but hardcore). I thought it abit tacky in this kind of scene. But whatever, some things you just gotta take in stride.

To those who commented in my last post thank you for your kind words. I may not know you but your words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. I have my ups and downs like everyone else. I just get seriously lonely. No one even talks to me at school which is another kick in the balls but whatever. Life for me at this moment is complicated and sluggish. And being shy doesn't help either.

Pulling back from what I shouldn't is not a way to live.

Not So Here

2009-01-09T16:12:00.001-08:00

Some days like these I feel left out more then others. This is the first day in a long time I have felt very very lonely to the point where I feel like my life is nothing but a fragment of what I use to be. With everyone around me moving so fast and myself not moving but staring wondering why... Depression to me is like an evil being that tugs at my heart. Sometimes I feel like running away and finding my life somewhere else. Because of where I live and how my life is right now I feel closed and claustrophobic. As I curl in bed wondering and pondering where I will go what I will do and if I can do it, pondering is all its is. i just feel the world is on my case to do something with my life even though my life doesnt feel like anything. alone i am with my tears, in the million year swell that i am. and to cuddle with the feline it feels so wrong because of what i cant have and what i need. With these four walls closing in and my life crawling slowly, my world just seems

not so here

Sticks n Ballz

2009-01-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

Well tonight I really enjoyed myself. My friend Tasha, whom I haven't talked to in about 2 weeks because her boyfriend has been demanding as hell, decided it was our night out. So... she picks me up and I was rushing to get dressed *which I was impressed because I looked good*. We headed to McDonald's to get something to eat quick because I was starving and hadn't eaten anything all day. I basically spent the whole morning reading a great book and drinking water most of the day. I wasn't fasting or anything, I was just really into the book.

Anyway we made our way to one of the local bars "Dave's Place". We played about 3 rounds of pool before we sat down at one of the coin machines to play a couple of puzzle games. They were having a poker game going on but we were more interested in spending time with each other. Afterward we got back in the car and she found out her boyfriend called her like 6 times *that's not even a lot for him*. He was concerned as to where she was, who she was with that sorta thing. Now I don't have a problem with him because I find that hes a great guy besides him drinking way to much, doing cocaine once in awhile, smoking, jealous, and overprotective (god... did I get everything???). But besides all that I like him. Hes cute for a Brazilian but I think if he were gay and I was dating him... we wouldn't have lasted that long. I really don't like guys who are overtly jealous and too overprotective. I get enough of that shit from my parents.

Anywho she called him and asked what was up. The friend he was suppose to be hanging out with that night bailed on him and he was at home alone. So she asked if he wanted to be picked up. She asked me if he could come and I said I was cool with it. Afterward she opened up a pack of supersmooth cigarettes and lit one up. Now I don't know if you know this or not but I actually use to smoke myself and I haven't smoked since I was 18. When she did that I was craving for one sooo bad. So I asked her and she gave me one, I had 2 more later on that night. I know smoking is bad for you but I figure you can indulge once in a blue moon. Just as long as you don't do it everyday but other people may think differently. So we pick him up and hes playing on his cellphone and I make a comment about something beeping and asked him if that was his penis making sounds. He laughed and said no because of how he was playing on his phone *it was on his crotch*. Anywho we decided we would visit the adult toy store.

Now let me tell you guys something, I really enjoy going to adult toy stores because im a very very sexual person and the topic of sex to me, is a very interesting subject. People think that talking about sex is rude and should be private but I am not at all private about my sex life, just private about it with my parents...somewhat. Anyway lol, we walked in and there were some hot n sexy guys who were working there and I just smiled because I was soo damn shy. We start looking around in the store and I walk to the gay section and there's a guy there with two movies. I smile at him, he smiles back. I so wanted to say "whatcha looking for" but that would have been too slutty and too forward and at that moment, I was shy as shit. He was about 6 feet, slim, maybe 35, white, BLUE EYES, and sexy. I was trying not to jump him and dry hump him like the person in my head was telling me to do but I just decided to leave it. Meeting a guy in a toy store for me seemed abit tacky, but its open for exploring.

We were there for about 10 mins until we left and went to UBC (University Billiards Club). We were there for a couple of hours, I had 2 drinks (Smirnoff n 7/7 are my fav), a couple of games,look at sexy guys, and enjoy those last 2 cigs. After the last cig I got little light headed but that passed quickly. I come home and that was my night.

Satisfied, yes indeedy.

Big Is The New Beautiful

2009-01-04T14:40:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel life is always throwing obstacles one way or another. One obstacle is one that (not I) but others have had since I was in the 1st grade. Now let me explain something about myself. Ever since I was younger I was really skinny. I mean boney skinny, my parents were afraid I was going to have health problems. But then I started gaining weight and then it never stopped. I was always teased by kids all my life about my weight but after awhile I just didn't give a shit.

It has taken me years to understand that I am big, beautiful, and curvy and I love myself. If I want to loose weight its because I want to, not because of people telling me otherwise. There may be many guys out there who see me and think im disgusting but baby, you just don't know how beautiful I am in and out. If my singing voice doesn't catch you or that my passion doesn't snag at your heart then your a superficial freak and all I can say is, your just like everyone else and you will never know true love until that veil is lifted.

Curvy and Sexy since 1987.

Angel

P.S.

Thank you Ryan for being a very beautiful person. God has made an outstanding person out of you.

A Little Bubbly Goes A Long Way

2008-12-31T17:25:00.000-08:00

Just a quick post. I don't really do resloutions because I find them to be irrelavent seeing as I never stick by them. The only thing I believe I will do differerntly this year is trying to lose weight and get my damn GED. Thats about it. Enjoy the new year people.

Have A Super Gay New Year!

2 AM

2008-12-29T09:41:00.000-08:00

Wow... last night was huge.

Ok well, it started off with me laying down *nude* watching a movie or trying to watch a movie because I was sleepy as hell and not falling asleep. When... someone knocked on my door. Come to find out, the person behind the door was my mother. Ok let me explain something here. My mother and I have a good relationship, both of my parents. But in the rare occasions (which is like once every two years) she actually comes to my room to have a talk. Last night for me, was an eye opener.

Since coming out to my parents my mother seems to be the one who is most affected. So when she came into my room it surprised me when she told me that she was thinking about moving the family back to new york. I was speechless because I had plans in the future moving there once I got my life in order but I never thought it would be so soon. She explained that once we got our financial situation in order that she was thinking about moving there. She was also thinking about selling the house and moving into an old folks community. I asked her about why she wanted to move back to new york since she moved us from there when I was young. She was missing her sisters who live in New York and she wanted us to be around Family (all of my dad's family lives up there). She feels like I am lonely here (which is true). So all I could do to tell her was that moving to new york was a great idea but something we would have to do when our present financial situation is cleared. About her selling the house and moving to an old folks community, I told her whatever she thinks plausible I will agree on.

And then we started talking about my fiance who passed away a few days before my 19th birthday. She wanted to know how I met him and what not, just details here and there. Then she started spewing about the religion and bible crap which I just ignored (ive become really good at that). And then she started asking me about why I decided on becoming gay. I had to explain to her that being gay is not a decision, its how we are born. The only decision we have is being true to ourselves and living life happy or not and living a life of loneliness. She still thinks its a choice but I told her I understand what shes saying. She and my dad are not too hot about having a gay son but atleast, I still live at home and they still love me. I can say that I am lucky. Will I ever tell my brother I am gay, no. I believe the relationship between me and my brother is such a medieum as it is that my personal life is none of his business. Hopefully in the future my parents will feel better about my being gay... only time can tell. In the end I actually don't really care because after last night, my flame burns brighter then ever.

Merry Christmas Everyone

2008-12-24T20:33:00.000-08:00

Im waiting for santa, its almost 12. He'll be surprised that this year, hes the one getting the present. ;)

Merry Christmas Everyone! Don't drink too much of that eggnog!

Finding The Medium

2008-12-17T16:43:00.001-08:00

Hey bloggers,

Excuse me if I don't exactly post alot today but I have just not been in the mood for anything. I don't know if its my depression or whatever I just don't know. I don't know if I told anyone but I have been diagonosed with depression ever since I was about 13. Some people don't really see it until I tell them I have it. People have told me that I seem very cheerful but that I guess is their opinion. I mean I am not depressed everyday its just that there are days that I just feel I cannot get by them quick enough. So I find what I call a medium on those days.

I may or may not have spoken about this but this is the 3rd year I lost my fiance and I still talk about it because it makes me feel better about it. I truthfully believe we as a people, never get over those we have lost. Especially, if they were ones we loved. I may say to people I am over the situation but truthfully I still mourn my ex fiance till this day, just not as bad as I use to. I find that we truely never get over the ones we love, we just continue to live our lives remembering what was and be thankful that life brought you two together.

Anywho, wow I thought this was going to be a sort post but I guess my mind is allowing me to type today. School is on hold for the meantime (winter break). I am at a big crossroads as to what the hell I want to do with my life. After I acheive my GED I want to go to college, but for what? For money, for love, or for an interest. My love would have to be writing and singing. While my interest would be a library (im there a hulluva lot). And for the money would have to be going to school to become a radiology tech. Which path am I suppose to choose?! I have no clue as to what I want to do. I want to follow my dreams and passions but it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. I don't want to give up at this at all. So maybe I should just take a few classes at the local community college until I make my mind up. Because giving up is not what I do. Its like going cold turkey on life, and thats just not acceptable.

Well moving on, I am still alone as alone can be. Atleast I have people I can speak to like my friend (ryan). I haven't spoken to my friend since thursday last week. The girl ditched me for her boyfriend about 3 times, wtf is that! I don't know what to think about this girl. We've been friends for about 4 years and it seems that she is always doing something to either piss me off or feel im not worth her time. Especially when shes in a relationship. I just dont like being brushed off and brought back in after shes been dumped or has left the person. Truthfully I feel like a third wheel and not a friend. But shes literally the only person outside of my house I talk to. I don't really know anyone else. I guess when I go to college I will meet people, who knows.

Only time will tell,

Angel

Another Year Without The "L" Word

2008-12-09T06:00:00.000-08:00

No I don't mean the television show about lesbians and their lives. I am actually talking about the one thing in life that everyone needs, even myself... love. Its been 3 years since my fiance has passed and since then, I still feel alone. I have had dates here and there but it seems the only thing people want from me is sex. Why in the hell does it take so long to find someone who will atleast be there for me, without the sex. I mean it just seems that every guy I meet theres sex in his eyes. I don't know if its because they find me attractive only for sex or is it because thats all they think I am good for. Sometimes I just feel left out of the mix.

Truthfully when it comes to finding someone I always keep an open mind. Im not about making lists or any of that bull because you can find the most amazing people in the most least of places. I just wish my life was alittle bit more of an adventure instead of standing in the waiting line for mr.next. I mean I know I am awesome in more ways then I can count but it just seems that trying to find a guy is turning out to be a headache. I just hope that someone comes along to swoop me off my feets and woo me, yes I said woo me. But I will just have to wait in the big long ass dating line hoping my number gets called.

Being alone is a bitch.

The Big Gobble Gobble

2008-11-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

Happy Thanksgiving (to people in the United States). Today we sit down to eat (only if your a meat eater)a nice big turkey and many many sides of yummy yummy food. For those less fortunate to not have a family to eat with I hope you have friends to enjoy this gracious time of year. Ive actually had the honors this year to cook EVERYTHING, which is ok with me. In any case I wish you all a happy thanksgiving and if your traveling, DRIVE SAFE.

Love n Peace to all and to all... well you know the rest.

Angel

Thick Skinned

2008-11-19T21:36:00.000-08:00

Well today was a very eventful day, if you call having to be in the hospital at 630 in the morning. Seeing as I have restarted this blog so many damn times that I might as well delve into the man that is my dad. My dad has been sick since I was born. Suffering from congested heart failure, asthma, diabetes,an enlarged heart, and being overweight he has never been a very healthy man. Ive seen pictures of him when he got married to my mom when they were in their mid 20's (he was very athletic looking). He actually gained weight because he got sick and had to be on (prenozone) for about 20 years (which made him gain weight like crazy). But ever since I was little I have always seen my dad coming in and out of the hospital. So today we had to go to the hospital super early in the morning and stupid me, I had about an hour of sleep. Basically my dad was going to the hospital to get a defibrillator for his heart because he has an enlarged heart and he has had heart-attacks in the past.

I have a question to ask because I feel out of place when I think about it. Is it cold for me not to feel anything when my dad goes into the hospital? My brother called me cold because I am not as emotional about my dad going into the hospital. I had to explain to him that the reason why I am not as emotional as him is because when I was growing up, it was normal for him to go into the hospital. And by him going into the hospital so many times I grew a thick skin. I mean I remember when I was a little kid I use to cry about it but now adays, it doesnt phase me. But this is where I feel conflicted because I don't know if its thick skin or am I really cold? My dad says that the reason I am this way is because my mom, when I was little, always went to my brother for emotional support and not me but I don't think that's the deal. I think its because it happens to many times that ive just grown accustomed to it. Personally, I think its just me being strong for my family. Because as a kid I came to the understand that I could lose my dad any day, any hour from now, or even a few mintues from now. So maybe I am just thick skinned, but atleast I wear my heart on my shoulder and I am glad I do.

Well we were at the hospital today until about 130 because my brother called my mother and I. He has been having car troubles for about a week now and now he said his car wasnt working again so we had to pick him up because he was going to work at around 3pm. Anywho thats been my day today, fun ain't it! -_-

Jaded, jaded, jaded... i feel jaded.

2008-11-17T00:50:00.001-08:00

I just love being jaded by people.

I will start off with the first person on the list and that would be my friend (who I will name soldier girl). I met soldier girl at a local bar doing kareoke through my best friend. Now I must say that when I met this girl and her sister I fell in love with them. They were such awesome, real people that I just wanted to get to know them so much more. In the beginning it was great. We went out maybe once a week or every other week doing karaoke and just enjoying each others company. I would talk to soldier girl over the phone maybe 3 times a week or less depending on her work schedule. And then there was nothing.

I have not received a phone call since the halloween party or even a messaging saying that it was fun having me there. It just seems that latey she has gone off the grid and didn't even bother calling me to say happy birthday to me which kind of hurt since it was my 21st. I can understand that all of her other friends have working vehicles or jobs when I don't have either. That I am not even financially capable I can understand whats going on. But it just seems that I am trying to make the relationship work and she just isnt trying. I don't know what to do.

And then theres Mark. Not marky mark but mark. We talked over the phone for about 2 months before we actually met. I have to say, I had a better time over the phone then in person. I loved alot of things about him but evendently it just seemed as if I wasn't good enough for him that he just decided to stop calling or even letting me know he was alive. He then tells me that I am not his type and thats why he stopped calling me. I found this all very funny seeing as I was just only looking for a friend while I guess he was looking for boyfriend material. Anywho, right now I feel kind of left out of his life. With not being able to see him since he lives all the way in middleburg and I in Jax, distance is not good between us. Plus it also sucks when he is in town but never stops by to say hi. I just feel that I got to know him really well and then as soon as he met me, everything changed for the worse. I know I am a big boy and ive overweight but hell, that shouldn't hinder anyone from communicating. I don't know if hes shallow or what not but I just kind of feel jaded in the end because hes not making the effort.

Personally, I feel kim is a friend since she does once in awhole say hey but Mark, not so much. I just think the relationship we had over the phone was awesome and once we met, he obviously didn't like what he saw. Oh well, I know im not eye candy but with my rockin personality, charm, and average looks I like im a beautiful person.

So fuck others who don't think so.

Angel

Why did you even bother opening your mouth.

2008-11-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

Why do people even bother opening up their mouths. Let alone say anything. The other day a friend of mine was telling me about her boyfriend. Now before I go into detail on that one lets take alittle stroll down memory lane. I met her boyfriend about a month or so ago and he seemed like a really nice guy. Koodos for me, I always wait and see until the guy opens up and shows his true colors before I make my mind on the person. Well, the first night I met him he had this tendency to open his mouth about his culture. Now I am not against people having pride for their culture. In any case I think it is really healthy when it is kept to a minimum. But when someone bluntly states that their culture is better than all others (related) to their culture well... lets just say a pissing war will ensue.

Ok, so her boyfriend is Brazilian. I don't have anything against their people, and in any case I believe alot of them to be very sexy (heh). But infront of another person who is spanish, sas that your people (brazilians) are better than other people in every way shape or form... kinda makes you an asshole. IF YOU LIKE YOUR COUNTRY SO MUCH WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LEAVE! So I figured he was either a racist or he was out trying to prove something in himself. It came clear to me after she told him she dated her friend (whos she's been friends with for over 9 yrs) is a mexican he got embarresed. I found out that the reason why he was embaressed is because hes mexican and he doesn't like mexicans (go figure). Everything came in place when I went out with her, her mexican friend, and her boyfriend. They both wouldn't talk to each other. Come to also find out that her mexican friend is jelious of the boyfriend because he wants her and doesn't really know how to tell her.

Anyway, her boyfriend is not only jelious but also a racist. Thank god my friend (the girl) is part portuguese (hes also half). I like the guy but I just think that he has ALOT of growing up to do. I also believe he is trying to prove to himself that he loves his culture when really, I don't think he likes being hispanic. I just find it sad that we have people out there who are racist against their own people (latino's in general). Hopefully she can sit both of them down and talk it out but it doesn't seem that way. My friend is the kind of girl who will hear the negatives and try to work with them rather than talk it out. Plus she falls in love wayyyy too quickly (like in one week or less).

Hopefully, she will come to understand that love takes time. And at 25, all I can do is hope.

Angel

Age Deficient

2008-11-09T00:34:00.000-08:00

Kind of funny how time just seems to creep up on you and smack you in the head, thats what happened to me today. I TOTALLY FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY, how bad is that... Anywho I will be turning the big 21 this wed and I am happy and sad. Just thinking about the past few years of my life I have accomplished alot and have lost alot in return. Having really no love life or sex life for that fact sucks on soo many levels. I truthfully feel alone these days but somehow, I seem to keep myself moving. Hopefully this Wednesday I can enjoy turning 21 (without getting drunk). People always tell me I look younger than 21 so I guess thats ok. But as soon as I start talking people say I am 27 or 30 because of how mature I talk. Ive always had people saying that since I was about 16, oh well. All I can do is hope for tomorrow and hopefully soon, I will find someone.

I am going to leave you guys with a song that has touched my heart and I even cried abit. Im not usually into country music but when a song hits you, it hits you.

Martina McBride: Where Would You Be

I wonder where your heart is
'Cause it sure don't feel like it's here
Sometimes I think you wish
That I would just disappear
Have I got it all wrong
Have you felt this way long
Are you already gone

Do you feel lonely
When you're here by my side
Does the sound of freedom
Echo in your mind
Do you wish you were by yourself
Or that I was someone else
Anyone else

Where would you be
If you weren't here with me
Where would you go
If you were single and free
Who would you love
Would it be me
Where would you be

I don't wanna hold you back
No I don't wanna slow you down
I don't wanna make you feel
Like you are tied up and bound
'Cause that's not what love's about
If there's no chance we can work it out
Tell me now
Oh, tell me tell me now

Where would you be
If you weren't here with me
Where would you go
If you were single and free
Who would you love
Would it be me
Where would you be

Have I become the enemy
Is it hard to be yourself
In my company

Where would you be
If you weren't here with me
Where would you go
If you were single and free
Who would you love
Would it be me
Where would you be

oh, tell me, tell me now
where would you be,
where would you go, oh
who would you love
would it be me

One win, anothers loss, and another indecisive.

2008-11-05T02:42:00.000-08:00

I am not going to write a huge post because its really late.

OBAMA HAS WON!

Amendment 2 in Florida looks like its going to pass. I am really upset about this because of the huge turnout of people voting in favor if it. I believe the reason why this amendment did pass is because everyone else backing up prop 8 in California and forgetting about the other bans against the marriage protection amendment. It sucks but hopefully the amendment will be anulled.

Proposition 8 in California is still being tallyed up. I will probably reply later when I hear more about it but right now the results are neck and neck. Hopefully, they will not pass prop 8 and gay marriage will stay legal in California.

Thats all for now, thank you all for voting.

Love n Peace,
Angel

The Turning Point

2008-11-03T19:30:00.000-08:00

I have found it interesting that life has led me here of all places. I feel like my life has come to another crossroad and I am not sure where to turn. One has me wanting to become a novelist and possibly a screenplay writer. The other working in movie/tv production while also wanting to become an actor. I always stayed by this quote in which I made for myself to keep up my self esteem.

"Life is full of impossibilities, it is the possibilities you make that out way the other."

With coming to the edge of these two crossroads I feel more of a pull toward production and acting. But, I also feel the same pull toward writing. So what do I do. Do I pick and choose which I want or do I take them both on my journey. For now, I want to take them both but I will have to figure out how... In that area of my life it is complicated.

Ok heres where I rant about a couple of things. Why the hell is it that a well known college takes FOREVER to finally tell you that there is a class you can take that has everything you need instead of bits and pieces of the program. WTF!

Ok thats my rant lol. As far as right now I am dateless, loveless, and feeling alittle less loved. Seeing my friends with their significant other and myself not having anyone. I feel left out of love and sex. As far as sex goes, that hasn't happened in hell no's how long. It seems as soon as my fiance passed away, finding someone else has been like climbing a mountain all over again. Maybe someone will come my way and see me for me instead of most of the superficial assholes out there.

Love n Peace,
Angel